Bogan Bible — Matthew 4:1–11
The Book of Matthew (Q)
Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness
1 After he got on the tins, and then later, the tabs, Jesus was led by the Holy Spirits into the wilderness to be tempted by the lack of kebabs and the devil.
2 After not eating for what felt like forty days and forty nights, he was bloody starving. Even after finding a Maccas in the desert, he told himself no, because the last time they’d forgotten his Sweet & Sour sauce.
3 A dragon (who said his name was ‘Dev’ or ‘Devil’ or something) came to him and said, “If you are the Son of the Bloke Above, tell these stones to become kebabs.”
4 Jesus answered, “Mate I don’t need kebabs. You can’t tempt me with the delicious meat and salad explosion that is the holy kebab. Like I’ve said before, all you need to fill ya belly is the words of the Bloke Above. I dunno how it works, but I’m never hungry when he starts chatting to me.’”
5 Then Dev took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the pub.
6 “If you are the Son of the Bloke Above,” he said, “jump off the roof. It’s written: “ ‘The Messy can jump off anything and out of a nowhere a magical bungie-jump chord will appear to bounce him back up again.’”
7 Jesus answered him, “Fuck these tabs are strong. But na, mate, not jumping. You’re a shit dragon, Dev.’”
8 Again, Dev took him to a bloody high mountain — it might have been Everest — and showed him the whole world.
9 “Mate you can have this,” he said, “just be my mate — bow down and worship me.”
10 Jesus said to him, “Piss off. The Bloke Above is a champion of a bloke. He’s better than you. You don’t even like cricket, and you favour wine over beer. A joke is what you are, and what you will remain, ya bastard.’”
11 Then Dev left him, and an Uber came and attended him.
Matt Querzoli is re-writing the Book of Matthew into the bogan Book of Matthew (Q). Today he has re-written Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness. Follow his writing blog, his letters to strangers blog or his blog blog if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.
