Bogan Bible — Matthew 6:5–15

The Book of Matthew (Q)


5 “And when you get down and have a bit of a pray and spray, do not be like the hypocrites — the ones that stand on the side of the road and do it. Don’t worry about them, they’re not doing it right. No worries, cobber.

6 Pray and spray in secret. You don’t need to scream bloody murder that you’re praying. My Dad will see ya, think “You beauty!” and give ya a present later on. Probably eternal life. Dad’s not very imaginative with the presents.

7 And when you pray and spray, do less spraying and actually say what you mean, and keep it to the point. Easier to process.

8 And look, I know Dad knows what you want before ya ask him, but it’s nice to ask anyway. Piece of piss, yeah?

9 “This, then, is how you should pray: “ ‘Hey mate, how you been?

10 I’ve been good thanks. Just wanna let you know that you’re still in charge of this place.

11 Anyway it would be nice if you keep giving us bread and beer, daily.

12 And help me not to put so much on my credit card.

13 And don’t let me be an asshole. Fair dinkum. I’d rather drink a low-alcoholic beer.’

14 Oh yeah, almost forgot to mention — if you see someone being a dropkick, forgive them, because then Dad will forgive you too. It’s a fair trade. And then he doesn’t have to forgive them, so it saves him time.

15 Just watch out too, if ya don’t forgive people my Dad will probably have had a gutful of ya by the time you get to the end of ya stint of life.

Matt Querzoli is re-writing the Book of Matthew into the bogan Book of Matthew (Q). Today he has rewritten Prayer. Follow him or his randy publication if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.

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