Celebrity Magazines Most Expensive and Worst Brand of Toilet Paper, Warn Consumer Advocates
Save Your Money, and Your Anus
In a breakthrough study by industry professionals, it has been confirmed that celebrity gossip magazines still have yet to demonstrate a practical use, after determining it is more expensive than, and is not nearly as good as, all toilet paper brands currently on the market.
The glossy collections of utter filth (even before the poo is scraped on) have thankfully been declining in sales for years, however the stubborn market of empty-headed, self-esteem lacking middle-aged white people have managed to keep the industry propped up from its long-awaited death.
Head researcher and lover of actual books, Dr Rochel Parkinson, was pleased to announce the results her team worked on for more than a day. “It was big day, honestly,” she said at the press conference. “I haven’t taken this many laxatives since I ate an entire roll of raw cookie dough as a child. But we made it.”
“The gossip magazines, in all forms — from People to Hello, Entertainment Weekly to New Idea — felt absolutely terrible to all of the participants. We’d stick with one-ply toilet paper any day of the week over that stuff. And it won’t cost us an arm and a leg,” she said. “They didn’t work at all. The pages were so glossy that it was tough to really dig in and wipe the remnants clean.”
It is not yet clear whether or not the news will affect sales for the publications tested, however it has not stopped several celebrity advocacy groups from coming out and condemning anyone that uses celebrity images to wipe their ass with; they told people to try tabloid newspapers instead.
