Dear Coughing Person,
Shut your mouth you germ-belching homo sapien.
Regards,
Q
P.S. This is when and why you take sick days. Soon enough, this train will pull into a station scuffed with the shoe marks of millions of commuters, and you will add to them as you exit along with the horde of white-collar paycheque-to-paycheque servants, failing to cover your furnace of illness that is disgorging so much shit so quickly that will ultimately end up ruining the lives of an unlucky bunch for the next week, that will clog up doctors offices everywhere because at least some of these reckon they need fucking antibiotics to get over a common cold; you wonder why the World Health Organisation is worried about it when you can’t be bothered or are too scared to take a sick day, or even just close your mouth when you cough, because you’re too busy scrolling Reddit and thinking about how you can’t wait until those two paracetamol kick in to clear you head for just a moment, perhaps returning you to a semblance of normality, grasping at the slippery ghost of a person you were a mere three days ago.
P.P.S. Crush the pills and take them up both nostrils for a better hit.
P.P.P.S. While you’re at it, drink plenty of fluids and eat some oranges. I know you probably haven’t touched an orange since you’ve moved out of home — you look the right balance of joyous yet annoyed at how much money it costs to live out of home — which I wonder now if that is the biggest factor in your immune system’s inability to stave off some common virus. Lay off the takeaway pizza and the late-night icecreams. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
Matt Querzoli was inspired to write this for obvious reasons. Follow him or his randy publication if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.
