How I Roster Off/Swap Shifts at Work

The Man with the Nipples

He had quite small nipples for such a large man. They stuck to his chest like tiny suction cups. No matter whether he swam in icy cold water in the winter, or lay with his back on the sand under the beating hot summer sun, they were always hard and pointy.

This drew not only the attention (and tongue) of his girlfriend, but also his colleagues at work (though without the tongue).

“Nipple Neville!” his manager would cry, grinning wildly every Monday. “How was your weekend?”

“Domestic,” he would reply. It would either be that exact word or some sort of variation that would kill any further conversation with one fell swoop. Although, on this particular Monday, he had to continue it on anyway, in his own self interest.

“Can give away my 5–11 shift to Bartholomew* this Sunday? I’ll be late home from the Good Food and Wine show, where I’m helping to operate a stall,” he asked.

*Names have been changed.


Matt Querzoli is posting the email transcripts he sends to his managers to roster off/swap shifts. True stories. Follow his writing blog, his letters to strangers blog or his blog blog if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.

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