In World First, Child Is Named Using Emojis


In a world first, some say has been coming for years, a child born in Japan today has been named 💦 🍆 by her parents.

💦 🍆 was born at 10:55pm, happy and healthy as described by obstetrician-gynecologist Kato Motoyuki. Her parents, Saji and Yamada Tamami, filled out the birth certificate quickly after 💦 🍆 was released from his wombly chord. Weighing in at 2.5 kilograms, 💦 🍆 is the couple’s first child.

“We have always wanted to have a child, and for them to be special, to stand out in this huge and wonderful world,” Mr Tamani said to the media throng that had gathered outside the hospital in light of the historic naming. “So we thought we’d give 💦 🍆 that opportunity from the beginning.”

💦 🍆, pronounced ‘Splashing-Sweat-Eggplant,’ was so named with this particular choice of emojis as ‘💦 🍆,’ in the emoji world, is used to express one’s desire to engage in sexual activity with the recipient of the message. The eggplant is meant to signify the male genitalia, while the splashing sweat is the vaginal lubrication of a woman.

“💦 🍆 is going to be a sexual deviant in the future,” said Mrs Tamani proudly. “I just know it.”

The global reaction has been mixed, with some offering support for the couple and congratulations on the safe birth, while others have seemingly “had enough of this stupid fucking bullshit.”

Much of the backlash has been met by liberal groups that have begun shaming people for being ‘emojiphobic.’ “Everyone, including 💦 🍆, should have equal rights and not be discriminated on due to the image-content of their names,” said Ms Diana Theresford, of the newly formed EmojiedAreEqual support group.

The couple are planning to leave hospital tomorrow with 💦 🍆, where the realities that all parents must face, regardless of how they may have named their child, are set to begin.

Matt Querzoli’s Adventures in Blokedom is the satirical publishing arm of The Quintessential Q. Follow him or his randy publication if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.

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