Man Carrying Supreme Pizza and Tiki Torches Mistaken for White Supremacist

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Hungry man, Scott Tooby, was mistaken today for the bad kind of white supremacist while walking home from Pizza Hut with his large Supreme pizza and a number of tiki torches.

Mr Tooby, a resident of Charlottesville, Virginia for seven years, originally moved for his job – which he, to this day, is still unsure of what it actually entails – and typically enjoys hanging out with friends, eating, and drowning random bouts of self-doubt with Netflix. The vessel where he incidentally came into contact with ‘white supremacists’ for the first and only time.

American History X, first viewed by Mr Tooby three years ago, has him still cringing at the sound of the kerb stomp that lead to Edward Norton’s skinhead character’s arrest and life-changing spell in prison. This was Mr Tooby’s only experience with white supremacists of any kind, a fact he tried to explain to the counter protesters when confronted on the street.

When the anti-Nazi protesters walked by Mr Tooby on that fateful evening, they didn’t see a bald man with a pizza and tiki torches ready for a wild party for one, but another reviled Nazi-sympathiser in town to protest the removal of a statue of a confederate general.

“Guys, seriously,” Mr Tooby reportedly said to the group. “I’m just going home to eat this pizza under the light of my tiki torches.” When asked what the pizza was, the crowd hissed when Mr Tooby announced it was a Supreme.

“Hahahaha. Haha. Ha. Hmm. Now I know this looks bad, but trust me. I’m not one of the bad guys,” he said, timidly. “I’m just a guy who likes his pizza Supreme. Not my race.”

Mr Tooby was eventually allowed to pass, but only after offering up some of his pizza to a couple of hungry protesters.


Matt Querzoli’s Adventures in Blokedom is the satirical publishing arm of The Quintessential Q. Follow him or his randy publication if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.

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