The Future of Cooking Oil

If you’re a human – even one of those morally righteous vegans, you probably cook.

Cooked food is the one thing that separates us from any other organism on this planet. And while fire was, of course, very important to this cooking phenomenon, another has silently accompanied it to the hallowed halls of culinary ingenuity.

That, of course, would be cooking oil.

There are already an astounding number of cooking oils out there – and it appears that more are joining the list every three months or so. So far, we have:

  • Olive Oil
  • Coconut Oil
  • Soybean Oil
  • Corn Oil
  • Cottonseed Oil
  • Canola Oil
  • Rapeseed Oil
  • Sunflower Oil
  • Sesame Oil
  • Grapeseed Oil
  • Safflower Oil
  • Rice Bran Oil
  • Nut Oils and Peanut Oil
  • Canola Oil
  • Palm Oil
  • Avocado Oil
  • Animal Oils (from fats and lard)

The Future

Yet what can we expect further down the line? Will there be an ultimate cooking oil? Here are my predictions for the next trends in the saga of the cooking oils.

  • Motor Oil

It’s already here and in abundance. Big oportunity here for OPEC nations — it’s an untapped market for oil.

  • Midnight Oil

An excellent Australian band — but to fry some eggs with them, well, you’re on a whole other level. It’s the Best of Both Worlds.

  • Extra Virgin Oil

When you really, really haven’t had sex. Virgin blood is already used in many forms of witchcraft, so why stop with just the blood? A rare commodity, to be sure, but cut out of the middle-man of the olive and you have something precious here.

  • Oil Squeezed from Fast Food Uniforms

Here’s one for the entreprenuers. Big opportunity to make some cash — because after tax, your fast food job surely isn’t filling the monetary hole in your life.

  • Teenage Pimple Oil (with added pus)

Speaking from personal experience, it’s a pain to harvest, but there is so much of it you could be close to 24/7 production capacity. Limited by age, however.

  • Kale Oil

Because fuck it, it will get the Instagram fitness celebrities on board, why not?

  • Holy Oil

Pope Francis, this begging for money in the aisles has to stop. If you won’t sell your line of papal clothes, then why not some blessed cooking oil?

  • Gulf Oil (Spill Edition)

A special one right here. Extra flavour lies in the amount of natural animal death and livelihood destruction caused by said spill.

Matt Querzoli was inspired to write this because he may be insane. Apparently, coconut oil is good for that.

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