The Modern Man

An Exploration into Modern-Day Masculinity

The Modern Man is well connected, well groomed and well, like, you know, man?

The Modern Man wears a minimalistic watch but when asked for the time he checks his phone.

The Modern Man watches romantic comedies, and then porn right after.

The Modern Man weeps when he spills laksa on his new suit.

The Modern Man shaves his balls more than he shaves his beard.

The Modern Man sometimes starts off as a woman before sex reassignment surgery.

The Modern Man has a standing desk, but socially smokes.

The Modern Man keeps his phone in his pocket, and checks his balls everyday for hints they may be becoming cancerous.

The Modern Man never forgets his parent’s birthdays, though he often will the pizza in the oven.

The Modern Man goes to the gym, yet not for fitness and general wellbeing, but to sculpt. He aims to chisel himself into an airbrush quality model, the dream growing larger with each bicep curl.

The Modern Man goes down on women despite the risks of suffocation, and the fact he doesn’t really know what he’s doing.

The Modern Man enjoys a beer, a wine, spirits, and of the funds are there, some Colombian Snow.

The Modern Man’s opinion on the good of the human race fluctuates depending on how painful his daily commute is.

The Modern Man eats kale, and rewards himself with a rack of ribs afterwards.

The Modern Man knows all of the words to G.R.L’s Ugly Heart, and sings with gusto.

The Modern Man has Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Reddit, Yik Yak, and doesn’t know why.

The Modern Man kouldn’t kare less about the Kardashians.

The Modern Man despises television commercials, and makes exceptions for the Super Bowl, even if he has never followed the NFL in his life.

The Modern Man is always unaware as to the fuss that’s about.

The Modern Man knows he is a special snowflake, but understands that with global warming he will melt into oblivion one day.

The Modern Man perceives Monty Python’s Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life as the only true Gospel.


Matt Querzoli wrote this watching the latest season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Follow his writing blog, his letters to strangers blog or his blog blog if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.

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