Unrealistic New Years Resolutions

Alas, we find ourselves again at that time of planetary alignment where, as imperfect humans, are set to carve their desires and goals into mental stone so that we might claw our way closer to our individual ideas of perfection.

I’m talking, of course, about New Years resolutions.

I have always struggled with keeping New Years resolutions – especially the harder ones that involve a committed exercise schedule, or ones where I have to make a concerted effort to perform beyond my comfort zone.

This year, however, I put my foot down.

Instead of striving toward (what I believe to be) realistic goals for improvement, I am setting off to accomplish what I already know to be completely unrealistic resolutions.

So when the next person asks me why I haven’t completed any New Years resolutions, I will show them this list and they will cry:

“Bloody oath, I can see why you didn’t get to any of them.”

The List

  1. Become Donald Trump and withdraw from the Presidential Race, whilst simultaneously apologising to all races, religions and people I’ve offended.
  2. Ask out Miranda Kerr and bake brownies for our first picnic date.
  3. Learn the violin so that I can bust out some Mozart at a moments notice.
  4. Learn to fly so that I can play Learn to Fly by the Foo Fighters whilst learning to fly.
  5. Become Putin and retire, but not before opening up democratic elections for the people of Russia.
  6. Become a billionaire and do unworldly billionaire things.
  7. Cure cancer and oncoming baldness.
  8. Have a still-intact iPhone screen by the end of the year.
  9. Develop a respectable fashion sense.
Happy New Years, world.

If you have any other unrealistic expectations to add, please feel free to respond.


Matt Querzoli was inspired to write this from his many New Years resolution failures. Follow his writing or his letters to strangers blog if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if you were weak at the knees from looking at his profile picture.

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