What People Mean When They Say They’re “Good, Thanks”

Matt Querzoli
Aug 8, 2017 · 3 min read
Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash

“Yeah, look, I had a shit night’s sleep and now I’m wired up on like four coffees which are only going to lead to me crashing sometime after my fast food lunch which I’ve allowed for because it’s Friday and it’s my treat day.”

“I went to have a single beer last night with an old friend who came to town and ended up in a strip club at 4am with hummus all over my face from the kebab I smashed before entry. In fact, I think I saw a yellow tinge around my eyes this morning. My liver has given up, much like I have on work for the day.”

“To be honest, I haven’t smiled or felt any joy since the day my Mum died from breast cancer. Last night I couldn’t even conjure up the energy to cry, even as memories of her stroking my hair cascaded down my eyes like the scalding water from my shower, that eventually ran cold because I couldn’t summon the will to get out.”

“I’m fucking amazing because I thought the girl I am stalking spotted me last night and was going to call the cops on me again, but it turns out she had no idea.”

“I cut myself shaving. No, not on my face.”

“Found the book I ordered for anger management is being delayed and I honestly feel like murdering someone because of it.”

“I had a dream about my ex-girlfriend and woke up crying, but I managed to get another hour of sleep before being woken up by a bird, so it wasn’t the greatest start to the day. Also, I got a speeding fine on the way to the office. There goes my paycheck for the week.”

“I didn’t get the chance to meditate before work today, so I’m a fucking mess upstairs.”

“I just found out that HBO got hacked and the next episode of Game of Thrones got released early, so I’m excited to watch it after work and post spoilers about it all over the Internet.”

“My Mum rang me to confirm that we were catching up for coffee later in the week, and I’ve been overcome by a sense that I’ve been a bad son since I moved out of home. I’ve rescheduled this three times already, and only once for a valid reason.”

“My hemorrhoids have been flaring up again. I’m pissed off because my priest said that three ‘Hail Marys’ and four ‘Our Fathers’ would fix it, and they didn’t.”

“I went to the gym this morning and had a smoothie and sushi for lunch, now I’m looking forward to smashing three icecream sandwiches and a box of Oreos when I get home without the associated guilt.”

“My book club kicked me out after I said the book they chose to read next was crap. Joke’s on them, though, it is crap.”

“I’ve just booked in my breast enlargements at a clinic in Thailand for about a third of the cost it is to do it here. If all goes well I’m going to take up a job stripping to make a little extra cash on the side. The nose will be next.”

“I’ve read three Buzzfeed articles in a row and now I reckon I have heart disease.”


Matt Querzoli wrote this, and he is good, thanks. Follow him or his randy publication if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.

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Matt Querzoli

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