I’m Living The Single, Single, Single…LIFE* (*A Semi-Ramble On Life & Romance I Am Sure To Have In Parts As Time Goes By)

(This video though…1980 random shenanigans all around…)

You ever listen to a song you used to dig as a child later on in life and be like “holy crap, this joint is NOT really on the level I thought it was”?

As a big music person, I do that maybe a bit more than most.

Like for example, “Puff The Magic Dragon” ain’t about a flying fire breathing lizard in goofy kiddie verses, it is about tripping balls on weed. “Boogie Wonderland” is jaded as FUCK lyrically but to an awesome disco rhythm section and great vocals. “Wanna be Startin’ Something” is the most cheerful shit talking song ever about kicking somebody’s ass if they try it. Kendrick Lamar’s “Swimming Pools” sounds like a dark funky ode to getting lit off booze (POUR UP/DRANK/HEAD SHOT/DRANK) but is really a huge anti-drinking jawn.

And it goes on and on.

I was listening to some tunes on shuffle a few weeks ago and one of the joints in the playlist was Cameo’s “Single Life”. Usually, you think of it as a funky tune if a smooth — yet somehow nicely autotuned — bragging about being single and trying to kick it to a woman someplace (one assumes at the club).

But something about the joint made me pause.

While the joint is still funky R&B on the surface, it sounds like the dude is trying to convince themselves being single is the bee’s knees than anyone else around them. Or even more off-putting, trying to conform for others who AREN’T currently single but living vicariously through their non-coupled peoples that being single is cool/fine/great/nostalgia worthy.

The vocals are in a minor “I mean, I guess/This Is What It Is” key, the groove is steady and dark and more. They’re living & going through the motions of The Single Life but aren’t as gassed about it as the outside world assumes they should constantly be.

Weird.

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Anyway, I think of stuff like this partially because I am currently single and at times feel like some folks in a relationship project some of their shit on me more than a little bit due to this romantic status.

“GIRL, YOU ARE SO LUCKY YOU HAVE NO KIDS OR A MAN TO TAKE CARE IF — YOU ARE FREE TO GET UP & GO WHEREVER.”

“Well, at least you don’t have a man up under you and getting on your nerves.”

“ You get to pursue your career and passions still…most of us can’t do that since we got obligations with the family more often than not.”

“You get to be a player and get heaux all day when you want!”

😑😒😕

* sighs *

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Let’s get some things out of the way right quick:

I am not unhappy with being single...the vast majority of the time.

If anything, if this has to be my life situation at the moment (and hell maybe for a minute depending on the hand life plays me), it is better now when I’m actually comfortable in my own skin, ways of functioning, being totally cool with getting up and doing stuff solo, knowing the emotional & physical fuckery I cannot abide by for any extended period of time with another contemporary human being who can be my romantic complement, etc.

This is not an article to rag on my exes as a hit piece.

The worst of them don’t deserve the direct press by name and they might actually be decent men with other women now (and if they are not, fuck them entirely on GP if heads choose not to grow up). The best of them were folks who one did not click with on the romantic end due to life scenarios and mixes of mutual immaturity at the time. The worst…well, again, fuck them on GP.

I just want to talk a bit about single-dom that can be emotionally trying to deal with at times from all angles — with everyone from fellow single folks to people with children to those who are currently involved with significant others at any level.

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You know what is one the shittiest parts about being single?

It’s not having someone who genuinely cares about your basic existence to go home (or travel to if you’re in a long distance relationship) to regularly touch you.

I am not talking about “touch” you aka “Touch Me In The Morning” action (or to be more blunt, sex).

Don’t get it messed up — sex is GREAT. I am super cool that we’re not amoebas and whatnot on that end if we dig somebody and are physically about that connection.

(Again, sex when folks are mutually comfortable & ready to get it in = GREAT. Am a huge fan.)

I am talking about literally being TOUCHED. Like sincerely hugged, caressed, kissed, etc.

Skin to skin contact with someone you trust emotionally & physically is a slept on natural high you kind of don’t recognize its importance until it ain’t there regularly. Even just sitting next to each other on a couch is cool.

I get sporadically touched when I see friends and family and that’s cool. But usually the closest one can get while boo-free is curling up in a comforter burrito and that’s not the same.

Meh.

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Another thing thing that is a point if annoyance about being single at my age range — after having long and short-term relationships, dating and everything — is that I am just supposed to settle for any male with a penis since…spinster-ism.

In 2018, heads still push this shit. Whether you’re doing well mentally and/or monetarily, if you want babies or nah, etc. having ANY standards at all for a fella beyond them having a hustle and semi-competent dick game makes you a weirdo at best and a ridiculously “INDEPENDENT” rapidly accelerating to barren status broad of tarnished value at worst by a certain age.

This can come from family members, friends and even average moes on dating sites who can barely spell.

Shit is odd.

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Social media is truly the double edged sword of single-dom.

For every “woo, maybe my ass is supposed to be single out here since folks are crazy as hell” post, you get those posts that remind you that you’re kinda lonely out here.

As an adult, you KNOW that most of the time you’re just seeing a mere fraction of somebody’s life when you see photographs of (an assumed) happy couple, their family, various outings they go on, etc.

You KNOW even the best of romantic relationships go through ups and downs and folks get on each others’ nerves here and there.

However, on some days you see this sort of joyful content online from heads you love, like and feel meh about and can get to feeling out of sorts — not because you hate those folks (well, hell, I hope not, since WTF are you following heads you hate for online?), but because it can provoke insecurities.

While you can have days seeing loving photos and statuses can give you hope in the weird rock that is this Earth that authentic romantic love is a real thing, you can also have moments where you get to wondering what in the entire hell is wrong with your ass that nobody wants to “claim” you like that or protect you physically and mentally — not just beyond bits and bytes online, but in the real world.

You start asking all kinds of questions to yourself:

• Are you just irreparably broken? Is something about you a neon sign saying “nope, they ain’t worth it for real for real…maybe a temporary stop on the road to The Real One at best”?
• Are your photos not attractive enough to make somebody be like “I want a piece of that in my life”? Is your avatar even decent enough visually to emote online & actually get responses back when you’re not feeling cool for heads to pay attention to your words when you’re crying out in the Internet darkness?
• Are you just a bit too odd with your interests and statuses where folks want to run away from you as fast as possible?
• Are you simply not pretty enough where someone wants to “claim” you publicly, so you’re out of the box for anything remotely stable in the future right from the gate?
• Shit, I might not EVER have kids, much less with someone who genuinely loves me, will I? These folks have grown ass teenagers and I have no mini-me.
• Man…what is WRONG with me? Since something must be no matter how cool, nice, decent, smart, reliable, etc. folks say I am.

The crazy thing is when you’ve had enough life experience, you know good and damned well that life and relationships usually tends to be complex and ever changing. Folks who were “players” at 18 are now talking about the spectacular wonders of strictly monogamous marriage. People who damned the concept of having children now have 1/2 of a starting basketball bench of babies. Some heads who were loudest angry atheists are now doing whole ass Bible verse blocks everyone morning via the ‘Gram. All of that.

But social media — at times unexpectedly — can make your heart sharply ache at times while observing the grass on the other side that might be greener than yours.

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Single folks ain’t made out of stone B.

Just because heads don’t cry about it all of the time or talk about the shadow-y stillness that can come over you when you’re not busy doesn’t mean that internal hurt and loneliness ain’t a thing.

Don’t assume single folks are always doing good, is what I’m saying. Even if they are doing OK, just because folks can live independently doesn’t mean that they don’t want people sincerely asking how they are once in a while. Heads still need interactions beyond 9 to 5s, events, etc. that show caring beyond how useful said single person can be to your current situation.

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I got more to write on with this (especially since when I first started the draft for this piece, I got a LOT more to get into via talking to my peoples and more when talking about adult single-dom) but a sis is tired. Another part shall come out at another time frame — now, it’s chill out time.

Thanks for reading. :)