This Is Me

An identity-building exercise

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As a cartoon axolotl icon, it’s understandable that most people often wonder who I really am. What makes me, me? And why the axolotl?

And what, exactly, is an accidental monster?

It may not surprise anyone to learn I’ve got a somewhat underdeveloped sense of self offline as well. While others may know who I am, I have a hard time putting into words anything that feels like “me.” I feel like me inside, but my outside changes. This me is not the same me as yesterday or last year. So how do I explain who I am?

And how do I pin that down for myself? Like, do I start listing off my qualities? All my obligations? What does this “me” look like if I were to view my essence from the outside — aside from my literal reflection?

Working through therapy, I’ve healed a lot of the trauma bogging me down. Some habits I took for granted have evaporated, their triggers laid to rest. My sense of self wasn’t exactly robust to begin with; pillars of my identity have crumbled to dust as my mind becomes calmer. But, not in the good “let-go-of-ego” way. More of a “who-the-heck-even-am-I-anymore” way.

A popular psychiatrist YouTuber recently talked about how the aspects of self are a bunch of different things: our emotions, sensory inputs, perception, pain, memories, etc. Being whole is a matter of repeatedly experiencing these things — not just as they’re happening to us, but being present in it. When we feel an emotion, letting ourselves feel it rather than distract it away to the recesses of the mind.

But that’s the inner part of me. While I agree that more work is needed to unify those internal pieces, that’s what therapy is for. And so far, the bits of “me” I’ve come across have been sacrificed to the void.

Those pieces were hard-fought moments of struggle revealing some fundamental truth about myself. Moments where I’d be so present in my life and emotions that some core belief, limitation, or whatnot became highlighted brightly enough to appreciate. And I did appreciate them. Each one gave me a peculiar little “huh” before I carried on with my life.

Want examples? So do I. But I was so in the moment, I didn’t even think to write anything down. Or remember it. Those…