This Is Me
An identity-building exercise
As a cartoon axolotl icon, it’s understandable that most people often wonder who I really am. What makes me, me? And why the axolotl?
And what, exactly, is an accidental monster?
It may not surprise anyone to learn I’ve got a somewhat underdeveloped sense of self offline as well. While others may know who I am, I have a hard time putting into words anything that feels like “me.” I feel like me inside, but my outside changes. This me is not the same me as yesterday or last year. So how do I explain who I am?
And how do I pin that down for myself? Like, do I start listing off my qualities? All my obligations? What does this “me” look like if I were to view my essence from the outside — aside from my literal reflection?
Working through therapy, I’ve healed a lot of the trauma bogging me down. Some habits I took for granted have evaporated, their triggers laid to rest. My sense of self wasn’t exactly robust to begin with; pillars of my identity have crumbled to dust as my mind becomes calmer. But, not in the good “let-go-of-ego” way. More of a “who-the-heck-even-am-I-anymore” way.
A popular psychiatrist YouTuber recently talked about how the aspects of self are a bunch of different things: our emotions, sensory inputs, perception, pain, memories, etc…
