Playing It Safe: Clay Matthews to Be Replaced With Serta Memory Foam ™ Mattress

GREEN BAY — On Sunday, Clay Matthews added to his streak of brutal abuse towards his fellow man when he tackled quarterback Alex Smith during the Packers vs. Redskins game. The sack drew a flag for roughing the passer, and Matthews openly expressed his discontentment with the call.

It is a truly unfortunate state of affairs when NFL players are tackling one another in the middle of a football game. Matthews has proven to be consistently reckless on the field, acting incredibly aggressive when he’s running head first into a pile of giant muscular men. With the safety of the players and the sanctity of the game in mind, the Green Bay Packers organization has elected to remove Matthews from their defensive lineup and replace him with a Queen Sized, Serta Memory Foam Mattress.

“We wanted to err on the side of caution,” Brian Gutenkust, Packers GM, explained. “By replacing Clay’s rock hard body with a large cushiony mattress, quarterbacks will be able to land on a more comfortable surface when they get tackled.”

The mattress is reportedly on the firmer side: soft enough to be welcoming for a falling QB, but tough enough to break through a stalwart offensive line. It is unclear what Matthews’ future will be with the Packers organization, but he’ll have plenty of bandwidth to pursue his dream role at State Farm.