Review: Deer Park Water

Shortly after the end of the American Civil War in 1873, a natural spring water brand many of my friends consider “basic af” was founded. Yes, I’m referring to the one and only Deer Park.

It was originally bottled at a hotel near Deer Park, Maryland that a few presidents were fabled to have stayed at. Now, it’s bottled “and/or” at least 8 different places in Pennsylvania & Maryland. Which could mean they are combining water from different springs or sinks, depending on how deep the water conspiracy goes.

Glazing over the facts that the deer featured on the label never made any money or that a kid choked on a water bottle cap (hence the small cap warning on most bottles), let’s get into the taste!!!

Water traditionally has only trace amounts of taste, whether it’s sediment, friendly chemicals added by the government or the fluoride. Deer Park starts off with a crispy, thin taste like that of a small unbuttered wafer.

The body of the water isn’t really full as much as its “look, your body technically needs this to function.” That’s not a catchy name for water, so I understand. It’s like Aquafina’s less corporate cousin who lives out in the sticks and staunchly supports the right to bear arms in a very loud way.

The finish is wet with a hint of wild deer antler. It reminds me of the time I went camping & forgot to pack enough underwear for the weekend. I cooked eggs in a bag. I probably also drank Deer Park water while doing so. This water elicits memories perhaps because of the chemical reaction of the cheap plastic leeching off the sides of the bottle & into the water itself. Or perhaps the memories were there all along & I was just too dehydrated to recall them.

Deer Park is about 30 to 50 cents more than bottled water definitely bottled from the tap. A normal personal bottle should run you under $2. But honestly, just pay a little extra for water bottled from a volcano or by smart scientists who love that sweet, sweet H2O.

Rating: 6.5 / 10