ESSAY | PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
The 100 Questions for 100 Days Challenge — #9
Today’s question — What am I committed to changing?
Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.
― Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, Frankenstein
Change is one of those scary words for me. I don’t like it. It doesn’t resonate well with me. And I’d rather stay rooted in my dull routines.
That, I know, is the OCD talking — one of my many mental health issues.
I do know that change is inevitable and that if we never change, we never grow mentally, emotionally or spiritually. And begrudgingly, I will force myself to make changes. I say begrudgingly because for me, change is distorting, painful, and oft downright annoying.
I like routines. My routines. These are my ideals — I get up when I please. Take naps when I please. And take long sleeps when I please. Usually not at the times of day or night that others do. I eat when and what I please, even to the detriment of my doctors. I do what I please, when it pleases me. And I prefer to be at home, in my studio and alone. All of this, of course, makes me a bit of an introverted, nutcase recluse. And that suits me just fine.
Until it doesn’t.
Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.
― Lao Tzu
One of the biggest changes I’ve made in my life is the realization that the world doesn’t revolve solely around ME. Whether I like it or not, I am connected to this Universe, planet, people and other living creatures. I am most definitely not an island. I know I am connected because of synchronicities, serendipitous events, and even vision dreams that result in deja vu. So all of those things above that please me, I only do once I’ve done for others first.
I work my sleep and nap schedules around my spouse’s work schedule, friends and family who want to chat, and family events. I stick to a diet so that I can remain healthy enough to be here for my spouse, family and friends. I do what I want only once I’ve insured that others’ needs have been met. And if I have to socialize, I can and I do. These are changes that I’ve had to make over a lifetime and some I must modify as situations arise.
We can’t be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea.
― C. JoyBell C.
Although change is scary for me, I really am not afraid of it. As I think back over my life, I have made periodic changes that have allowed me to become a better person, to gain knowledge, to aid other people, and even take big plunges into the vast ocean of the world. Some of these changes have been spontaneous and others I’ve had to force upon myself, but I regret none of them.
Even now, I am forcing changes upon myself. Although I am perfectly content to be alone, I have been working on relationships with my spouse, my sister and friends. I do journal and essay writing on topics like this to force myself to dig deep and see where I still have work to do. And, because it is so easy for me to slide into depression, I force myself to work through it, to find light and laughter in the world instead of sinking into the void.
Change will always be my nemesis and I will always push back against it, but I am committed to becoming the person I know I really can be — loving, kind, giving, helpful, open and empathetic. And I can only do this by allowing change to happen — whenever and wherever it happens.
© 2020 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.
I have accepted Dusty Holcomb’s 100 Question Challenge. Each day I will answer a new question from 100 Questions That Will Transform Your Life. I will write either poetry, vignettes, creative non-fiction or personal essays on the questions — it will all depend on inspiration and/or mood.
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Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community.