TRUMP CONSIDERING MILITARY STRIKE ON NFL

President Trump said Wednesday he was prepared to launch a military attack on the NFL, and slammed its players for exercising their right to free speech. “Those sons of bitches don’t stand for the anthem, they’re not willing to sacrifice their long-term mental health for the country’s entertainment, and they don’t follow me on Twitter,” said Trump in a Rose Garden news conference.

Trump said all options are being considered by his defense team. “We’re going to start with a wall around every stadium, and the owners are going to pay for it,” Trump said. “If that doesn’t work, we’ll go nuclear. We’re going to totally destroy the NFL.”

Trump also announced an executive order to bring back the USFL, effective immediately. “Football how it should be played,” said Trump. “I’ve just gotten off the phone to Herschel Walker and Doug Flutie — they’re both in.” Asked how players in their 50s would stand up to the rigors of football, Trump responded, “Modified rules. We’re only playing 15 minutes. The other 45 minutes, Lynyrd Skynyrd is going to be playing classic American anthems. And every damn player will be standing.”

More to come 🍤