REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: GOING GREEK

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 7 Episode 7 “It’s Expensive to be Me”

Ladies and gentlemen, if you glean one thing from this week’s episode of RHOBH, let it be this: get you someone who loves and supports you the way Mikey loves and supports Erika Jayne. And by that I mean, get you a man who will make a rock concert for you, literally, bring clothing rack(s) along for the ride, and take you to fucking Greece.

Kyle had me ROFL this week with her cute anecdote about how she would have been “fine” in a 2 bedroom apartment with a broke Mauricio and 3 kids but she was worried because she couldn’t pay the bills???? But Kyle’s sister was a child star and her other sister married into the Hilton hotel chain and even before all this her parents (whom I’m starting to learn were real pieces of work) had the goddamn house in Palm Springs that Kyle later stole from Kim — so I’m just having a real hard time picturing a Poor Bohemian Kyle, rolling through the mid-90s struggling, living hand-to-mouth, with only her pal Bethenny Frankel’s extra hair mousse to borrow for photographs and her sisters’ pocket change (which I’m guessing far exceeded the rent for a 2br apartment) to fall back on.

Rare footage of Lisa Vanderpump’s actual inner monologue

“When I finally do get a grandchild, I already have a name picked out: Nanny Pinky.” Good Lord. God help us all, I mean really. Between that, and Portia already having a name picked out for her yacht, this town doesn’t stand a chance at the mercy of its future generations. Vanderpump’s narcissism reaches new heights — and, we learn, has its own progeny — in this week’s episode when she and Ken face the very real possibility that their adopted son Max will want to connect with his birth parents so that he can know things about his heritage. How dare people want to know things that don’t involve Lisa! Vanderpump is surprisingly acquiescent about this; however, Max’s sister Pandora refuses to support his efforts, which we’re reminded with a brief flashback to Pandora saying “he’s ours,” and Lisa comforting her by replying “he’s always going to be ours!” which proves that extreme narcissism can, in fact, be learned.

“You know a house is big when there’s a tennis court and you can’t even find it” is probably the single sentence that best embodies white privilege this week. Also, I won’t buy this whole “Kyle is so supportive of Kim’s sobriety” bullshit until Kyle stops putting Kim in situations where asshats like Lisa Rinna will come at her swinging from behind the open bar. Rinna is dumber than a bag of dirt, I’ll never dispute this as anything less than scientific fact, but she’s 100% right about one thing: Kyle is Kim’s enabler.

Okay remember when I was all like “Yay Eden please cast Eden to replace Dorit and save us from this fake-accented hell?” I’d like to amend that declaration and tell both Eden and Dorit to put everything they own in a box to the left. Eden’s weird hard-on for “knowing” Kyle is creepy and unneccessary, and this is coming from somebody who doesn’t really fucking like Kyle. Eden is not the brightest crayon in the box by any means, but if she’s as good at teaching pilates as she is at projecting her own issues onto other people, then homegirl has a promising career as a fitness titan. She literally becomes a piece of movie theater equipment at an awkward AF lunch with Kyle in which she tries to get Kyle to see how exactly like Eden’s dead sister Kim is. And then she and Lisa Rinna seem confused about why Kyle might not be overjoyed by this conversation.

In case you needed concrete proof, you got it this week: PK and Dorit are one of those couples who “bond” by tearing whoever they’re most pissed at. Dorit hangs the other ladies out to dry in front of PK, and even though some dumb line about “Uber broomstick” is the best he can come up with, Dorit feels invigorated by this empty gesture at cattiness and, a happy cog in the machine of systemic misogyny once more, claims that she’s “ready to conquer the world again.” Barf. Dorit lacks the basic innovation to create a storyline that evolves past Pantygate, which is fucking annoying but I guess that’s the way the cookie’s crumbling, so we have to suffer through *another* awkward luncheon where Dorit calls Lisa Rinna and Eileen to the table to discuss feelings they all had about a fight they probably can’t remember that happened two weeks ago. I think it was just an excuse for Dorit to get dressed up in the white shit she wore with a weird over-slicked topknot and third-date shoes, because maybe she watches too many Michael Kors fashion show videos, idk idk idk.

But anyway, they all do fight about the aftermath of Pantygate again in an infuriating lunch that culminates in an even more infuriating confessional moment where Dorit says “Maybe PK’s right and I just talk too much” WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT EILEEN HAS BEEN SAYING FOREVS. Is Dorit trying so hard to squeeze her weird white cape-coat into a Stepford Wife mold that she doesn’t listen to other women anymore??? Or has she been brainwashed into thinking PK’s jokes are actually funny for so long that she’s just been programmed to tune out their voices??? I hope Andy Cohen gets her to agree to let us see inside her motherboard on Watch What Happens Live sometime.

But thankfully, we finally make it to Greece, to Erika Jayne’s 50k/week pristine mountaintop rental compound, because how the fuck else would she roll. I’ll give her this: she’s got hustle. Mikey informs her that her set starts at 3am or some shit???? Which is crazy. She is willing to put on very unforgiving costumes and heels at very unforgiving hours of the day and night, and for that, I tip my hat to her.

Other notable quotes:

-Kyle “I don’t wanna be a Debbie Downer, but they just spent 3 hours getting her hair to look like that” — sometimes Kyle in the confessional seems like the universal internal monologue, doesn’t she?

-Lisa Rinna “I just am hungry all the time” — Girl. You don’t say.