REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: GROWN UP BIG GIRL
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 7 Episode 12
Okay first off, I have to come clean about something. I fell right into some of the dangerous traps reality TV sets last week when I chastised Lisa Rinna about her weird super-awkward table dance at the end and how it was completely unearned. I forgot for an instant that Rinna did not craft that weird non-arc ending in that table dance for herself at all; rather, it’s producers who sift through hundreds and hundreds of hours who shape these narratives for us. In a way it was never hers to “earn” in the first place, because there’s a certain extent to which these women cede control of how they’re portrayed to the show’s producers, who therefore should shoulder the responsibility for their awfulness. That in itself is a lesson from RHOBH to us about gender this week — how important it is to always harbor compassion for thy fellow woman, take a moment to deconstruct your programming, because deep down we are all just pawns of the patriarchy. Let the moral of the story be: don’t table-dance like a reject after Coyote Ugly auditions on someone else’s yacht. You never know who’s filming you and how they’re going to twist it.
This episode was boring enough to feel like something out of last season, but we did get one soundbyte that’s sure to go down in Bravolebrity Herstory with infamy:
“Usually when I am washing zucchinis I end up having a baby” ~ Dorit, managing to embody literally everything that’s bad about abstinence-only education with this quote for the Are you Fucking Kidding Me/Did She Really Just Say That Archives.
Nanny Pinky and Ken go visit the new $630k condo they bought Max to reward him for holding down an entry-level restaurant job for an extended period of time, n0t at all to buy his affections before he possibly finds his birth parents or anything, because thats totally how the real world works. Later, Nanny Pinky reveals that she’s buying and furnishing a condo for Max “just like” the time she bought a fucking full-sized house for Pandora and Jason and furnished it, claiming she and Ken like to treat both their kids the same in what felt like the most staged publicity stunt Nanny Pinky’s filmed for this show yet. And that’s really saying something.
Rinna and Eden have their showdown and it’s as catty and awkward as you think. What I didn’t realize, or I guess forgot until this week, is that Rinna and Eden did not know one another well before this show. They’re those acquaintances who got too drunk too fast the first time they hung out and now shit’s blowing up in their faces and it will likely be awkward between them forever. You know those acquaintances. We all have one or two. It’s kind of like the friend version of a one-night’s stand — except these two have to film like 13 more episodes together. Their lunch confrontation is a legit contender, in and of itself, for a gender-bent Dumb and Dumber reboot, and they go back and forth about whether or not Rinna said Kim was an addict who’s close to death. Simultaneously, Kyle and Kim (who looks perhaps the best she’s ever looked on this show, by the way) go back and forth about the same fucking thing in some store full of ugly overpriced silk tunic shirts somewhere and none of this means anything in the long run because we have the shit on tape, remember? Stop spinning your wheels and mine, Bravo. RHONY is never this boring. What are Eileen and Erika Jayne doing right now?
“I know you’re traveling a lot, so thanks for letting me borrow the plane, I really appreciate it.” ~ Erika Jayne, casually living all of our best lives over lunch with her husband. Or is she???? Erika Jayne’s alternate persona of Erica Girardi is something that continues to mystify me. I’m not denying at all that she and Tom seem to have a genuine affection for each other. He seems cool, funny, and confident, just like her, so for the most part they seem like a great couple. But sometimes she morphs into a completely different person when she’s with him: a throwback to a 1950s Pleasantville housewife, who seems to exist to appreciate. Tom’s spoken to her a few times in a manner that you know Erika Jayne wouldn’t let her girlfriends put up with. So sometimes I wonder why the record kind of skips a beat with her in this way.
It seems like Eileen is, quoth the great dance epic Honey, “duckin’ like a bobblehead,” i.e. avoiding this cyclone of psychosis with all the excuses she can muster. Last week it was food poisoning, which, given my own personal experiences with travel in Mexico, I totally believe. This week, it’s pinkeye. Pinkeye is a super convenient excuse because a) it’s highly contagious, so nobody will be mad at you for not exposing them to it, and b) it runs rampant among rugrats, so it’s a believable excuse from any Mom ever. But food poisoning followed immediately by pinkeye? I call bullshit. Actors have tough immune systems. They have to, with the schedule they keep. Methinks Eileen was having a tough week on set and tearing through Fifty Shades Darker in her downtime and maybe didn’t want to interrupt her chillaxery for this usual crazy bullshit. Eileen says she speaks no evil, but never made any claims about white lies.
Now if you think these ladies will use feeding the hungry as another excuse to fight about who said what behind everybody else’s back — you’re absolutely right. At the Project Angel Food kitchen, Eden cozies right up to Kyle Richards and keeps peddling her crazy and Kyle eats it up, because that girl will take validation literally anywhere she can get it (ohmygod you guys have you heard about Kyle’s semi-autobiographical scripted series in development at TVLand????) until they have a big group talk like something right out of Celebrity Rehab.
After this, Eden comes a-calling at Dorit’s, cementing her alliance with the Dorit/Nanny Pinky camp, which is an interesting strategic move on her part. Nanny Pinky might be a loony toon, but her wit is fast and savage; I’d want her in my corner in a mean girl fight. Rinna, meanwhile, focuses on getting her “grown up big girl” Humanitarian Award for her work with Project Angel Food, aka resorting to straight-up ally theater to keep us from hating her. On the way to accept the award in the car, Rinna grills her Termy Herlfergur daughter awkwardly about her fashion show and her interactions with Gigi Hadid in the same way mothers make their seventh graders tell them about science class that day over dinner — but with a hungry, vaguely Dina Lohan edge. Methinks a momager storm’s a-brewin.’
At the ceremony itself, the RHOBH producers of course have our backs enough to sit Kyle, Dorit, and Eden together at the same table — with a consolation prize of St. Camille, giving me serious wedding cake topper vibes in that dress. Kyle is not outwardly mean to Eden and Eden takes that as a green light to a friendship with Kyle. This week really made me understand why Eden’s mom Beverly handled her with such delicate kid gloves a couple episodes ago. Let’s just put it this way: if Eden were a wild animal, she’d be a runt. She’d be the kitten that a feral cat left behind because she knew Eden probably wouldn’t be able to feed herself in the wild anyway. She’s the type of woman who genuinely believes that some former actor she’s sexting with online is a) actually British and b) not lowkey Catfishing her. Extremely easy prey for swindlers, cult leaders, snake oil salesman of all kinds — and also an interesting choice for self-proclaimed “hustler” Lisa Rinna to pick for this season’s “she said/she said” battle, spinning her memory of events around until neither genius knows which way is up. Fortunately for Eden, we’ve got it all on tape. Have I mentioned I can’t wait for this reunion?
