REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: YOU SAY TOO MUCH BORING SH*T

As far as Real Housewives booze cruises go, this one was pretty tame. Remember Scary Island?

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 7 Episode 15 “Hong Kong Fireworks”

Okay, some film school alumni’s alliterative wit is probably going largely unrecognized after Tuesday night’s RHOBH, and I’m here to put a stop to that right now. Whoever had the idea to string together the progression of scenes of each of the ladies getting ready for Hong Kong, from Nanny Pinky with half of Noah’s Ark + Ken as her audience all the way down to Lisa Rinna packing all by her lonesome with only Lola the Rottweiler for company — I tip my hat to you. I hope someday we see your name in lights, because that shit was hilarious. Major Devil Wears Prada vibes.

One particularly delightful revelation concealed in this montage is how much Dorit’s assistant hates. her. motherfucking. life. You can just tell. Maybe it’s her completely joyless expression? Barely audible responses? The way she kind of toddles around behind Dorit, never quite making eye contact, with her shoulders hunched over, like a flower who knows better by now than to reach towards the sun.

But we’ve got to take a second to touch on Erika Jayne. As usual, Erika’s traveling with her full glam squad in tow, and they’re meeting to plan ahead on what she’s going to wear, which is basically the same thing I do before I go on a vacation, except my glam squad is usually one person who happens to pick up my FaceTime at 11pm, and they’re definitely not traveling with me. Troublingly, though, Erika Jayne’s fashion lookbook, which her glam squad refers to as “Asian Glamour,” (😕) is a lowkey parade of cultural appropriation.

Erika has a handful of moments this season, like this one, where her Bible Belt is showing. First was her casual omission of women of color in her XXPen$ive (am I spelling that correctly?) music video. Now she’s just kind of walking around Hong Kong in a silk robe with vaguely “Oriental” embroidery on the back like that’s chill????? It reminded me of when the faculty at my mostly-white middle school decided to mount a production of Gilbert & Sullivan’s “The Mikkado” in which we all wore variations of Chinatown kimonos and wore “authentic Kabuki makeup” aka Yellowface and everyone acted like it was chill because we were a Quaker school. NOPE. Also, someone has got to tell Eden that looking up L.A.M.B.-era Gwen Stefani looks is NOT the proper way to prepare for travel to the Far East.

Let’s quickly Fashion Police everyone’s plane couture:

  • Why is Kyle dressed for a gala opening in Soho… in 2004?
  • Sweatsuit-clad Erika Jayne: “I know the real deal, it’s time to go to bed.” 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 With truth bombs like that, her Real Housewives sainthood is poised to eclipse Camille’s.
  • Why is Dorit dressed like she’s half-assing a Christina Aguilera theme party with that choker on a 15hr plane ride?
  • Rinna takes silver place for sensible plane attire, but last place for how fucking annoying she is talking about everybody else’s.
  • 15 hours on a plane with Eden????? 🙅🏻

Something I found interesting and a little sad is, after further excavation of Erika Jayne’s childhood damage, it’s kind of clear that the real reason she takes her glam squad on vacation with her all the time is to conceal the truth that she’s got no real friends who she doesn’t pay to keep around. A nagging question that’s always been in the back of my mind is “Why the fuck is Erika Jayne Girardi even doing this show?” and this season I think we’re getting closer to the real answer.

Ewwwwwww, Dorit and Nanny Pinky’s limo ride. Thanks so much, Bravo, for making it look like women have nothing better to talk about except each other. Traffic in LA is shitty. That limo ride was long. Surely you ladies had something better to talk about besides the other ladies that whole time? It would be sad if these two had long and meaningful conversations about the intersections between entrepreneurship and motherhood, how they’d each experienced the glass ceiling differently in their careers, what they thought of Get Out, etc. and the producers just edited that all out to show us catfighting instead. But honestly — is that likely, with this pair in particular? I’m not sure — which is what makes me even a little sadder.

I have a soft spot for Eden the same way I have a soft spot for Meatwad from AquaTeen HungerForce. Both are just so fucking out of this world crazy that they entertain me. Now, Eden has proven herself to be quite dexterous with the bon mot (I kid, I kid) but this week she really outdoes herself with her tales of London the fuccboi, (which is bougie for “fuckboy.”) Her reasoning for meeting this London for the first time half-naked in a New York hotel bed is straight-up “what if he’s not crazy?!” a train of thought which has always ended successfully for everyone ever, just ask any of the researchers for Dateline. When one of the ladies points out that this London (not his real name!!! MAIS NON!) could be a psycho who slashes Eden to a thousand pieces upon laying eyes on her, Eden retorts “But I could kill him!” To which Kyle responds “well that’s a stretch.” BUT IS IT, KYLE? Do you know where your sister is right now and more importantly, can you see Eden Sassoon’s basement? Is Kim trapped down there, rubbing the lotion on her skin lest she get the hose again? Moral of the story: Eden seems crazy as fuck and also down to get Catfished as long as he’s hot.

Once again, this week Eileen Davidson proves she’s the closest anyone in this bunch will get to being an actual class act. From her consistently well-tailored outfits (but like seriously, I want to know who her tailor is), to her at times robotic attempts at filling the cookie-cutter mold of what a “Housewife” means in Beverly Hills, to her maturity in the face of Nanny Pinky’s constant schoolyard bullshit, Eileen proves that when the rest of these loony tunes go low, she goes high — even if she is judging you the whole motherfucking time. She even goes with Nanny Pinky and Dorit to see the trailer of Nanny Pinky’s dog torture documentary — and pretends it’s totally normal when Nanny Pinky gives her notes on her hug. (🙄)

SPEAKING OF GOING HIGH… can we all have a moment of reverence for Erika Jayne putting the smackdown on Dorit, Pt. 1? “I say important shit, you say too much boring shit” — um

Thank God for Erika Jayne, inappropriate Chinatown robe and all. Someone had to get this ball rolling. I voted Dorit off the island by episode 3. It’s episode 15 and I still gotta deal with her ass? Yes, yes, yes, this conversation was between Rinna and Dorit. Yes, sure, okay, Erika Jayne kind of jumped in there and popped off in a way that clearly felt very produced and manipulated. But you know why I don’t give a flying fuck about any of that? Pantygate. For three/four weeks straight, Dorit dragged out her deeply misogynistic abject horror at Erika Jayne unleashing her evil vagina like a tiger trap on her poor defenseless husband, a human cocktail weenie of who “couldn’t help but look” up Erika Jayne’s dress the whole night. Dragged it out to the point where she publicly humiliated Erika Jayne by giving her a pair of underpants in front of the rest of the group, remember? And now she comes back whining that she feels like Erika Jayne’s not connecting with her? Girl, bye. After abject internalized misogyny like that, you deserve what you get as far as I’m concerned.

Dorit vs. Erika Jayne is pretty much conventional housewife vs the rest of the world, and I can’t wait to see the rest of this boat ride.