iBurnout

This morning, I received a couple of anonymous emails taking me to task about my life choices, and my public discussion of them — all but asking me to kill myself.

This person is right about so many things, but missing the point.

I know I’m a failure. I know I am awful in many, many ways.

But weirdly, this person is illustrating exactly the problem in this Brave New World — rather than confronting me directly, they sent me a completely anonymous note, putting me “on blast.”

Then, when I asked if this was a discussion, they replied with a “no.” And then told me how I would respond.

The truth is I am absolutely a “digital burnout.”

Nobody likes listening to a failure. I get it. By subscriber count, I have a very small following.

I’m not going to take apart this (I’m sure well intentioned) assault on me, but I do want to look at one quote:

You actually think nobody can see corruption, bad politics, poor choices, and parts of life that are suffocatingly unfair. You idiot, we all see that. We all see “signs” with crypt meanings. We just don’t let it ruin our life in the same way it’s consumed yours. And because we’re not all failures (like you), we actually have something to live for.

Of course I know everyone sees the “suffocatingly unfair” parts of life — and the other things. I just believe that an inability to actually have face-to-face discussions about these things — both to confront other’s issues and examine our own faults, is the very thing that creates “failures” like me.

I hurt personally, and also because we don’t have to continue to support a system that causes such dysfunction and hurt in people like me.

I am a force to be reckoned with in debate, exhausting those around me, and I have very much been working on listening to others, especially in a human, one-on-one setting, but sending anonymous online indictments IS EXACTLY THE PROBLEM I’M TRYING TO SHOW EVERYONE.

By taking my failure online, by opening the most raw parts of my existence to anyone who cares to read, I am hoping to break through the packaged, published existence of our digital lives that has infested the real world as well.

We all have “our Truths” but we should not have the right to sit behind anonymous emails and wail them at people.

I believe we should use our real names, and real personalities, and be our real, messy selves online, not a “stylized” version of us — this part of human nature has pervaded every part of our digital lives — We’ve all become self-publishing digital storytellers, but very few people look at the ugly parts in themselves.

I worked in advertising for 19 years. I was part of the problem.

I was a huge proponent for a digital culture that has divided more than it has connected. I was part of that problem, too.

I was a cheating husband who wasted his marriage and valued money over love — I was morally bankrupt and consumed with “success” by way of dollars. Just like America in the world today. I was a part of that problem, too.

I have plenty of blame when it comes to my downfall, but I am a “Failure” in part because I cannot go back to a world that I believe is corrupt, but fixable, if only “moral” people would stop contributing to immoral things because “that is our responsibility.”

Paradoxically, I actually do understand this is done best on the one-to-one, but there are so few who take this online, I have been compelled to publish, even as I say “there is too much media.”

We have taken an analog dysfunction — segregating ourselves into like minded groups and judging those outsides our group, and turned it into a hyperconnected monster, to which we are all a slave.

There is no such thing as “this has always been the way” because this era is absolutely unprecedented in its global interconnectivity and dependence.

You can see it or not, you can be a voice that stand against it or not, but if you a person who stands behind a digital online pseudonym and hurls insults at others, you are the problem, no matter what you think about my moral choices.

Whoever you are, anonymous emailer, you write as if you have known me and my family for some time — if you do know me, and have known me for a while, you’ll remember that I was ahead of the curve on many things in my life. I’m a canary in a coal mine, and it cuts both ways.

You may not understand “Metahumans” yet — those who refuse to play by old, hypocritical worldviews because “that’s just how things are.” But, you will, and I hope to God there are more like me, and less that are held down by an insane system to the point of violence.

I am moving back to my son’s town, because he needs me. I know he can hear me far better than most, and I can hear him far better than those who think he is “an emotionless robot.” (you cowardly asshole)

My audience is small online. I don’t have many “followers” behind me. That used to bother me, until I realized I care far more about the one person who can hear me than the billions who can’t.

We are not alone. We can break through this insanity if we are brave.

Anonymous emailer, I am sorry my “failure” offends you so, but the world is changing, and I will no longer stand idly by and pretend that using guilt anonymously online about my life choices is somehow “better.”

I know I have crashed and burned. But I have learned and grown so much. I guess we’ll all see if I can turn this into something that looks more like “success” in the long run, that is if this entire digital and moral house of cards doesn’t come crashing down on all of us first.