Too Many Secrets, [Not Enough/Too Much] Time. (rough draft)

Originally, this was going to be a story about that time I stood in front of 1,000 Johns Hopkins faculty, students, and guests, revealed one of my biggest secrets in a question to Edward Snowden, to which he either dodged or didn’t understand, even when I asked him directly, “in short, do we live in a world of too many secrets?” Somewhere there is video of me doing this, but it’s not available to the public. So this lives only in my mind, and that of my ex-girlfriend.

Eighteen months later, the things I took from that experience have come true in so many ways as if I had seen a prophecy from god. I don’t believe in ‘God’, but I do believe in G_D, because the thing at a the center of reality has no name, nor can it be spoken — this the Jews and the Muslims are right about — most Christians have been led astray by storytellers who brought the story of Jesus and Christianity into a safe storybook with relatable characters with not very much focus about the fact that they were real revolutionaries who in the end, ALL DIED for what they believed in.

And so they became immortalized, and therefore in a way, actually imortal. That is, one day, when we tear down their statues — because their stories have become so corrupt. And then we build a new statue, and more recently as a planet.

And we unquestionably built the golden calf after World War 2. You’d thought we’d have learned our lesson after 1929, but we didn’t. 2008 wasn’t quite as bad, but somehow, 9 years later, our median home values have attained a near-equal valuation, and credit remains cheap — but this time, inflation due to quantative easing has made many if not most things more expensive — this has put the debt burden even more heavily upon the backs of the workers — including the working class — ironically, including the CEOs, which are so often the target for the evil in the world — sometimes deservedly so.

I mean, after all, Elon Musk gave us the evil abomination known as ‘Paypal’ an even worse version of an already shitting banking industry that can only survive because law enforcement can’t do its job in this new internet age. We have chosen such channels of secrecy that if you are good enough, you can hide any secret. Or if you are good enough you can leverage anyone’s darkest secrets, because we hide them online in private, ‘secure’ email accounts. But the truth is they lie on servers not owned by you, and if they broke their terms of service, you’d never, ever, ever know unless someone breaks the hell out of their NDAs and probably risks their lives.

Like Edward Snowden did. Or didn’t. Maybe he’s a Russian propagandist agent who wants to lull Americans into a false sense of security with encrypted networks, when all it does is give government agents a much smaller list of targets for surveillance, and also much more leverage they’ve ever had through access to near-global information.

It’s difficult to know the true ideology that runs this so called ‘deep state’ I’m pretty sure it’s mostly just the bureaucracy who some outside it who can see the pattern of it subconsciously choose to anthropomorphize as a conspiracy of unintentionally distorted ideology and rote memorization masquerading as critical thought. They give it a name, and it becomes a thing.

Such is the nature of the magic and the horrors of the metaphor.

It is thought compression that becomes corrupt over time through a kind of entropy, which is accelerating. And only a small fraction of humans can understand the thing that I wrote, which I contend is not only not wrong, but very defendable, but must be done so in person in a forum composed of people who are willing to change their most deeply held beliefs, or at least the metaphors used to understand them.

It’s simple but horrifying, for we all must face our own secrets, and the black hole of shame that would engulf the whole world would drive us into utter destruction of self loathing and vengeance for being lied to and cheated.

Thus the difference between “Too Many Secrets” and “No More Secrets.”
I have become compulsive about sharing my secrets since my breakdown in 2012, but I have come to learn that there is such a thing as too much too fast.

Sure, I’d love to see a tidal wave of people who see the connection of several of the things I did last year, and for a short time I get a large enough group to listen to me to start a discussion that can diffuse this nuclear bomb we’re sitting on that we’ve all chosen to anthropomorphize as ‘gaia’ or ‘earth.’ But is simply the lowest common denominator we know for what we call ‘life.’

And we’re still choosing to treat HER badly. We look to the sun to harvest HIS power to bring more and more power to her already overworked body.

They are the wave and the particle, and they are just a single metaphor on a never-ending fractal of metaphors. It’s turtles all the way down, as far as we know — nobody certainly ever wants to hit the bottom — nor do we want to fly too close to the sun, lest we fall like icarus or build an ivory tower of arrogance which turns into a jenga tower of crumbling stones as its foundation crumbles from age.

Yes, /r/iamverysmart, this is some profound metaphysics mumbo jumbo that sounds self-important to you, because I’m just spilling all the beans from my cylon’s perspective. I’m Gaius Baltar, but I don’t want to be the bad Gaius, I want to be the 3CPO Double Agent Protocol Droid Gaius Baltar — you can see that in him too.

Unfortunately for me, I am too much R2D2.. Very few Luke Skywalkers and C3Pos can understand what I say. But boy, do I love busting through Death Star’s secret motherfucking codes.

I have written this full of specific references to specific stories that requires a specific set of cultural references — sometimes 60 or 70 hours worth of reading and many more thinking and discussing to truly understand what I meant here. It takes a specific knowledge, and a creative ability to heuristically understand the original things I am trying to say, the willingness I have to be the test case scenario for a movement of ‘black-stars’ to attempt something pretty freaking unprecedented, but potentially a moment of true brotherhood and kinship amongst the human race, lost over time, and kept apart by fundamentalist anthropomorphized cultural backgrounds.

In this blackout of a clipse, merging the things you believe with one of the most astoundingly amazing, beautiful, and rare events you will ever experience and consider the nature of seeing this throughout the ages of human development — it doesn’t matter if you only see back the probabilities of the 6000 or so years of the written word, or to the theoretical backgrounds rebuilt from stories built atop the skeletons of DNA and soil samples and atomic decay and craft a breathing anthropomorphized picture of science, the effect is perfectly identical — awe and wonder, if you wish it to be there.

and you can wish its significants, for god is blowing out a candle

but it is probably a trick candle — one that re ignites again a few minutes after it goes out.

probably. i mean it’s totally not impossible that the christian anthropomorphized story of Armageddon (their current revision) is right and we’re about to nuke this place subconsciously because we want to chill with our ancestors on uncomfortable sounding streets of gold.

yall, if that is a metaphor, why don’t yall consider that more of those stories might just be a metaphor as well, but there is Timeless Truth in that book as well, that requires a lifetime and constant digging through it to find what parts are relevant to your life and this day, and which parts were meant for different times. Like our constitution was supposed to be — it’s a living, breathing document.

and that’s why the call it ‘the living word’ dummies.

and yes, I get to call you dummies. Later you can call me a dummie, but it’s too late, I also realize that I have been, and continue to be a dummie. Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.

That is how I am going to outlpay Albert Einstein. Either that or he set up one of the coolest magic tricks years before he died, and it’s a kind of miracle if it works.. (which I think is the likelier explanation — David Bowie was also a time wizard, so I might simply be one of those forum hiveminds that puts all the pieces together — or most of them anyway)

So here it goes.

What if the famous Albert Einstein quote means exactly the opposite thing we thought it did.

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

The accepted understanding of this quote is that the acceleration of weaponry was such that if World War 3 happens, the destruction will be so severe, that mankind will be reduced to the level of cavemen.

It works, because it’s logical. We’re already there — and it’s gotten worse since we hit the first point of Mutually Assured Destruction — this is the reason some military personnel LIKE IT. I have heard this come from their mouths. It is the only way for us to have true safety and not letting our guard down — by requiring the guard to be up on all sides at all times.

KEEP YOUR DUKES UP!

This is the genius of Christianity, ironically completely lost on most Southern Evangelical Christians. Church is not a giant show in a giant auditorium. You only got to go to the mount of Olives festival once a year like Bonnaroo, or what the muslims call the Haaj.

Church is creating a small group of friends that get together once a week and get tipsy on wine, not going to a Grateful Dead show and singing along once a week.

Damn that was some fine metaphor up in that one.

Transitioning, these days you get tipsy with your friends with weed in Washington state and Colorado. In places like California, accepting the label as ‘sick’ is the barrier of entry. In decriminalized cities, like Baltimore and DC, localities have given into the force of its citizen’s desires and demands, seen the prosecution of these ‘crimes’ as impossible, undesirable, or inefficient, but has no idea how to deal with the instant implosion of the economies that support the employees of the game of cops and robbers that is correlated, but not entirely segregated by race. Whether or not this underground war that is part of our species must always be played or not is an open question, but I think there’s a reason in that gray area of going just about 9 miles above the speed limit in the left lane. The only question is, ‘what is that threshold today?’

Obviously, cultures need a shared morality, supported by rules one can follow — we should know which decisions will cost us what, so those who push the boundaries know how far they can take it to explore the taboo — for that too is part of being human, though we have severely differing thresholds by belief systems, from emotionless science to vengeful islam.

and it’s tearing us apart. — lyric or line of dialogue from some song or phrase floating through my head I do not wish to google, because I’m worried I’m forgetting important things, because i’ve seed did certain funxns to the machine. I have no doubt my hippo campus is shrincin’

I write in the meta. I have met many others who have their own form of being ‘in the meta’ and it is always isolating and painful, though the symptoms are similar and correlated. Personally, I have a touch of many kinds of trauma, but not nearly as severe as many I have met. I’ve just been lucky enough to get a taste of most of them, and lucky enough to had a mental breakdown that inverted them and let me see how they were interconnected, and lucky enough to have blown up the relationship with most of my old friends and family in the name of standing on solid ground and saying on this rock i stand and willing to take the risk of never speaking to them again before one of us dies from age or random circumstance.

this is the 3rd world war. and it is a global civil war. and we’ve been playing it for some time. we are at defcon 1 ideologically, but we cannot let it get much farther geopolitically.

there are too many ideas, not enough leaders. intelligent leaders willing to stick their necks out and say ‘all of our system is broken and i can admit some of it is probably my fault, but all of us are the product of our ancestors decisions and the optics of their times and ours, then of the result of the delta’

no day but today. — you either know it or you don’t.

My delta is a vortex. From the corkscrew of a journey through time this particular Data-With-His-Emotions-Chip-On-Overdrive model of ‘human’ I’ve seen, analyzed and synthesized many interactions of the human mechanism — the thing all philosophers and prophets and writers and poets and singers have been doing since before history. I was an early adopter of the computer age, so here I am.

I have come to the conclusion, and I believe enough breadcrumbs leading far enough back that I have a pretty decent working model of the overlap of religions, why people of different of perspectives truly can’t understand each other.

As soon as both sides truly understand that while maintaining the ability to change one’s mind, and occasionally even redefining some of your deepest held beliefs, as impossible as it may seem, impossible seeming bridges can be built. Mostly in person — mostly in person in groups — mostly in person like churches — but not so big so as to allow you to get lost in a crowd — and that number is way too high. One of the first difficult things to understand without triggering mass fear is that there’s not much of a difference between a coven and a bible study. The only difference is the incantations used and books from whence they came.

And this is buried at the end for the people who skip to the end. If you skip to the end, you probably don’t understand the true meaning of whatever you think that last paragraph actually means, you simply overlay whatever you understand it to mean. If you can’t make it through the minefield of attention span and oblique references above, you’re filling in the blank spaces of understanding with reptile DNA. If you can’t get that allusion, don’t even bother.

This doesn’t wrap up in the standard structure. Not to compare myself to Joyce other than in function, it’s that kind of stream of consciousness ‘walking on lilipads’ kind of writing and thinking and speaking style I’ve developed. It’s really isolating, but there are nuggets of brilliance between the madness. The trick is to always consider that whatever crazy idea might be madness, and hold both extremes in balance — is this genius or madness? Then look at the data surrounding me. It’s always much closer to the middle of that gradient.

I do, however look back at the 18 months, and wish more people saw the part pointed towards genius. Sometimes genius is painful. Maybe the only way genius truly arrives is through pain, caused by it or causing it.

maybe that is my deepest secret; my nuclear launch codes

i need the pain to have myself, or the thing i’ve anthropomorphized as myself, so i create more within or without to feel normal, or I take drugs manufactured to make me forget something.

that’s cool, even though I still maintain the increasingly medicated populous, be it on chemicals external or chemicals generated in the brain by new forms of information has dramatically skewed perception of reality to a terrifying extent, and if i fall too far into that observation it can make me live in perpetual fear, but i’m pretty sure that it’s pretty far locked down, and I have 8 pretty damned solid months to prove I am capable, especially considering how much of what’s going on in the world right now was predicted by me, going back several years, even if the words I was saying then sounded insane because I didn’t understand the landmines of metaphor at the time, and the giant picture in my head was indescribable with available vocabulary.

and perhaps that was a good thing because too much knowledge too fast can destroy a species, said the apple of knowledge, that sphere of plutonium.

And this is how we catch the football either consciously or subconsciously thrown by Albert Einstein.

World War 3 can be fought by the gladiators of open words — something missing since we found out over several decades that speaking uncomfortable truths can be deadly.

It should be teams of real humans, debating, heatedly in a rhetorical cage-match, with no existing logic looping pre-memorized speeches allowed. No quoting experts. Maybe it’s happening in this moment. That would be nice. I hope I’m fighting for the good team.

It feels more strangely Christian than ever before, but there’s plenty of Jew (both biologically and ideologically) Muslim — the idea of sharia law — infusing your laws with morality — is a good one — literal interpretation of the middle-ages-written Quran is insanity….And also, somewhat robotic, arrogant but brilliant, therefore sometimes missing gaping holes in their worldview liberal atheists, and noncommittal agnostics….

But I was born with Christian words, so they seem most comfortable in the highest percentages, but only through radically redefining many of the Disney-esque concepts that have distorted it. Dudes, there is a reason yalls are so into Disney musicals.

That doesn’t change the fact that I’m pretty sure that Prince of Egypt is the best Disney Film of all time and Speilberg et al just went “I can do that” and rendered DIS the hugest smackdown, but whatevs. I have enough Disney Princess in me too.

And I’m so happy that I can call myself a Male Lesbian now that gender is such a gradient. Cause for years those angry feminist liberal safe spaces made that an insult — but I’ve been telling you guys forever — I’m a male lesbian… NBD. And you’re welcome, ladies. ;) <sorry, couldn’t resist.>

This is unwieldy, this is difficult to follow — that is both an admission that skill is difficult, as it is like looking into an infinite mirror for me — and also I have not put enough effort into ‘getting better’ with that, as I need help, and I am difficult to work with for so many reasons, but I am getting so much better guys, you have no idea.

So I sat down to write ‘Too Many Secrets’ which I haven’t been able to write for years — on 4/11/2016, I have two false starts, and ended the second one when there were 6 gunshots outside my door in Baltimore. I couldn’t handle the stress anymore.

But then, a series of unfolding events in the world was so intense that I had to turn my head away completely, lest I completely implode because I was unable to prevent a spiral, looking only at the possibility was that The World, and by extension me, could fall to the ground and miss.

For we could call this — this exchange of ideas amongst this group of weirdos who all know ‘something is afoot’ and have very different ideas about the meaning, know we are in one way opposing each other, and in another know that we must merge these things together to avoid disaster — probably can still win, but we’re running out of time.

Some others may even be running a play they think will work — Trumps success and downfall, and all of these ‘clues’ out in the open yet somehow missed seems almost too good(read obviously terrifying) to be true.

But the worst thing that could happen would be for the country to swing back to an emboldened Clinton regime. Or for that matter a socialist revolution without understanding of the situation. Or a Libertarian pseudo oligarchy that relies too much on individual morality in an age where a child can have a smartphone with unrestricted access and go down whatever dark path their youtube algorithm takes them, creating a superhero or supervillian.

That is my deepest secret — I am hopeful these ideas can be decoded into an open source ideology that can cause a cascade of criticality of an enlightenment in a very short period of time, avoiding either fascist control by people or machines, and also chaotic anarchy that results in human pain and massive loss of life.

I believe there is a way to understand that we have evolved into a spectrum of a species on the verge of major biology modifying divergence of human organic life, and this is both in a way ‘normal’ and ‘insanely rare’ and ‘happening in realtime’ and both ‘prophecied’ and ‘theorized’ and ‘dreamed’ and ‘written’ refined over time. No one knows the hour in which ‘Jesus’ will come, but in a way ‘we will all be Jesus’ and that means we potentially can be part of a Borglike structure of a superherd hivemind (actually, we’ve all been kinda hooked up to this machine for a while, now) or we can do our best to retain ultimate individuality.

This gradient pushes into binaries to negotiate the split when its components are out of sync.

If those binaries are unbalanced, one side or both is destroyed. Perhaps if it is TOO balanced, the balance stops the spinning upon which the species rests — both sides of the siamese twin die. Sometimes ‘eve’ is taken from ‘adam’s’ rib, but as far as I can tell based on yDNA adam and mDNA eve, it seems like it was quite the opposite.

Or that’s what the jews think, anyway, associating lineage with motherhood. Maybe that’s why they’ve been around so long. That doesn’t mean they don’t push their knowledge around to assert dominance in a way that sometimes comes out of balance. But your parents always have good intentions. Honor them, sure, Abrahamic Religions, but understand that your parents are wrong and stubborn sometimes. And that is why we have chosen to part with our ‘father and mother’ and cleve to our ‘wives.’ Ideologically and physically. Which is a metaphor for which?

I have to leave to go see a total solar eclipse that is dividing our country in half right on the verge of civil war, even as I ride the events to the greatest possibility that my black school shooter will be released from prison because of a series of events I set in motion, for which I have an appointment on 9/11 of all days to meet with a parole board commissioner, say to them in words whatever I feel on that day, and give them a copy of the story I wrote after visiting Nicholas in prison. This is in the month where the focus of the nation is on Charlottesville, about an hour away from where he sits in prison, a child murderer in the hunched body of a middle aged man with thick glasses and an orange jumpsuit.

This on top of the month where I met and fell in love with a younger woman who, of all things, is both a young mother to a 2 year old and a 9 month old, but struggles with a monsoon of family difficulties, shares a meta understanding of our ‘mental illnesses’ and has also found a way to cope given tremendous responsibility — mostly — like me, and can seem to navigate some very difficult discussions, times, and situations with me.

And I hope this love will help us fly together instead of crash together.

That is always the question isn’t it?

This is a mess. So is life. You got to the bottom or you didn’t. You understood me or you didn’t. You judged me an idiot or you didn’t. It could be genius, it could be madness, it could be garbage, it could be an interesting trial run for something this artform evolves into.

TLDR; It rambles, but there’s some amazing truth in it. A facebook friend, Sean bounced the idea that became the point of this story. We live in a world of Too Many Secrets, where those who control them, control too much power. However, the pile of secrets has become so great and overleveraged we have created a fiction of a reality, where the vast majority of the citizens on this planet have no idea what is really going on. This is, in a way, the way it’s always been — we are a machine of machines, and this is also brand new, because we are handing more and more control over to machines that we’ve been building, and we don’t have a shared system of values. However, “Too Many Secrets” is not the same as “No More Secrets”

If all the secrets came out at once, first of all, they wouldn’t be all the secrets, and second of all, there would be so many harmful secrets in there we’d blow ourselves up, because we move at different speeds, have different perspectives, have both been wronged and committed bad acts with good intentions, because we don’t have an agreement on what happened yesterday, let alone thousands of years ago, because the idea of forgiveness is important, but also we must somehow make examples of, exclude, and perhaps even destroy those who only wish to destroy all, and whose actions cannot be reconciled, either financial, political, or violent.

We do not ‘DO’ anything immediately — that’s the most important problem — the only thing we need agree upon is that we have a problem — this is the easy part, in a way — almost everyone agrees ‘Houston, we have a problem.’

But, just like my Mother said, over a year ago, as I was tearfully trying to get her to see what a terrible hypocrisy supporting Trump as a ‘Christian Business Evangelical’ was, “It’s them them them” So they have been forced into a self-blinding corner of hypocricy. I cannot be near her like this. I understand my own hypocricy, but I already carry too much of the weight on my shoulders myself, and no matter how hard I try, I can get very many people to hear the things I thought I learned while out in the wilderness — as my stepfather said the same day — I believe this and I’m never going to change my mind. If you say that and expect the same thing from your enemy, you are doomed. They are doomed. The Baby Boomers still have control, are globally and willingly ignorant and will not listen, so I feel doomed. The smart millennials are caught in a smug, digital self-segregated safe-space of a echochamber, so I feel doomed, so I cannot speak to my shrill hypocritical sister anymore.

My brother ran away from this mess in silence years ago. He almost never called, except to uninvite me from his wedding as I was melting down over my inability to provide for my family, my ex wife’s refusal for any contact regarding discussions of my son’s well being, even though I desperately begged her to meet with me at the therapist or mediator of her choosing, even though driving uber was both depressing, paid almost nothing, and essentially taking a loan out of the value of my car with no benefits, and even though I wanted to get out of the business I was in, as it a clearly sinking ship for most, and difficult to endure emotionally over time. So, yeah, I don’t blame him — I was trying to use the words of my parents to make them understand, and by society’s definition ‘mentally ill.’

It didn’t help that my recent ex-girlfriend sent a scathing ‘diagnosis’ of my condition that highlighted, embellished, and misdiagnosed my ‘worst parts’ while barely glancing over my good parts, she was excellent at pushing me even further apart for some reason, and I will keep my opinion to myself, but ultimately, I believe it was out of hurt, and I don’t blame her, seeing the whole situation, but it didn’t help.

But she was there that night — the night of her birthday in 2016, when I stood on the stage and spoke with Snowden. And she saw me ask a question that became so relevant, not only in theme, but in a kind of bizarrely perfect coincidence or sign. The question I asked — that someone could be leveraged by the Ashley Madison Leak of data — freely available both to the public and international intelligence agencies if one looks hard enough, could be used to leverage so many people around the world — there were publicized suicides after the leak became public — it’s that powerful. There were many, many .mil and saudi addresses on the list. The initial reporting that an investigation into the leverageability of those on the list would be investigated by the army simply went quiet.

Then, in the election of 2016, the first Trump elector to step forward and say ‘I won’t be voting for Trump’ (ONE OF THE MAIN POINTS OF THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE IS TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS) was immediately assassinated in the press because he was on Ashley Madison as his marriage was falling apart, and that was the end of him.

Just like the guy who asked a question about Energy at the debates — no press coverage of his question, just of a reddit post that was taken out of context, even.

Those holding the information and the surveillance, and the hackers, and the codebreakers, and the technology are in charge. This is the hot war. It seems like it is also a revolution. It is not clear what the sides are, if it is real. But I hope we can solve this through articles like this, and a cascading ripple of awakening along multiple vectors simultaneously.

All I have to offer is this, the secret craziness that whirls in my head for the small but real number who can hear me and follow down to the bottom of this article. Thank you to those who realize this is as much of a TL;DR as I can give — and I don’t have time or mental capacity to go revise.

I’ll do that after the eclipse if some cosmic force or human manipulation doesn’t use this to end our society — cause when I do glance at the news in my peripheral vision — it sure seems like someone might try.

My read on Einstein is that he was playing one move ahead — that once one saw the impossibility of MAD, like through the movies of Kubrick and Matthew Broderick, the only logical conclusion was Mutually Assured Creation — as described in the Book of Job — that talks of when the Archangels came and redrew the the boundaries of existence, and the understanding of it.

And many people see the pattern, and have an understanding of it from their heritage and culture, but those are dangerously conflicting. A few of us see the overlay, and thus we understand the danger. A few of us understand that by pointing it out, one risks setting off a chain reaction, not unlike a game of mousetrap. Hopefully a few of us built our rube goldberg machine to high enough specifications.

#noHashtags #SuperSaveMe #shrug #rideTheWave #theParticleWave #itsACycle #metaphorsAreMagic #JKRowlingIsaGryffindor #TheVictorsWriteTheHistory #GoodVictorsUnderstandContextAndActFairly #NoLinksOnlyLooks #Hypocracy #Hypocrisy

#JeebusTakeTheWheelSometimes