Area man, Brandon, Overwhelmed by Outpouring of Support [Satire]
Greenville, Mi — A local man name has been on a crusade recently to thank America for showing so much incredible support. Brandon Higgins has been standing at the corner of E Washington and S Lafyette streets with a large sign that reads simply “Thank you! Love, Brandon.” Over the past five days Mr. Higgins has spent 3 hours/day waving at traffic, and offering to shake hands with pedestrians.
Mr. Higgins explained that he has been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support the nation has shown him recently: “I was sort of drifting through life, didn’t really have any direction. Honestly I was feeling pretty low about myself and my prospects, but all of the sudden people were showing me how much they care. It started at a semi-pro hockey game I went to with some friends. They started chanting ‘Let’s Go Brandon,’ and pretty soon the entire arena had joined in. It was a bit embarrassing, but it made me feel good. A few days later I attended a Michigan State football game, and they were doing it there too! Imagine 75k people rooting for you! I felt like I was walking on a cloud.”
Mr. Higgins, who hasn’t have a girlfriend in 2 years, subsequently began waking up early to exercise, cleaned up his apartment, and began putting in extra effort at work.
“Once I started leaning into it, and getting my act together people really responded. Suddenly they were doing the ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ chants all across America. I even saw they were doing it in Germany at some sort of big rally! I mean imagine people you never met, living halfway across the world are holding rallies and cheering you on. I even have a date on Friday. It really feels great.”
As a way to show his gratitude, Mr. Higgins began holding his sign in the middle of town to thank people directly. It was there that he conceived of a new method of managing traffic flow at busy intersections. Based on early studies his invention appears to reduce congestion during rush hours by 60%, all but eliminating major traffic jams and serious accidents.
Mr. Higgins stood on his street corner explaining that the life saving capability of this new technology is really the least he could do for the nation. “I mean the entire country rallied around me when I was at a low point, I am more than happy to give them back millions of hours per year of commuting time, and save a few hundred lives too.”
“It’s a little strange,” said one puzzled Greenville resident wiping tears from his eyes, “but he is just so sincere. It really puts a whole new perspective on the ‘F*ck Joe Biden’ chants. Plus, I get home 15 minutes earlier now!”
Let’s Go Brandon, indeed.
