Biden/Harris Announce the Pyrite Plan for Black America [Satire]
Just days after his historic inauguration as the most ancient person to take office, President Joe Biden rolled out his long anticipated plan for Black America. Mr. Biden’s Vice President Kamala Harris translated for him as his speech was muffled behind several face coverings, and he appeared to doze off throughout their speech. Mrs. Harris brimmed with excitement, wearing a Chuck’s high top on one foot, and a Timberland boot on the other as she guided Mr. Biden to a chair and patted him sweetly on the head, with obvious deference for the virility and power of the elder statesman.
Mrs. Harris explained that the President’s plan was comprehensive in its reach, and powerful in its articulation. She then outlined the plan as follows:
- Free Elementary Education — “Every black child in America will be free to go to the public school of their choosing, within their school district, at no cost. Because the children are our FUTURE!”
- Direct Access to BidenBanking — “The Biden administration will provide loans prior to payday, at low 20% interest rates, so that you don’t need to wait for some white man to cash your CHECK!”
- Efficient and Inexpensive Public Transportation — “You can rely on a government who cares, to help you get near the place you’re going. Yes, you’ll need to share it with some white people, but we looked into it and we can’t legally keep them off. A system of buses, light rail trains, and subways in every city in the USA will provide cost effective BLACK LOCOMOTION.”
- Black Nature — “We will provide access to a system of parks and green spaces for black people (and some other people) all over the country, COMPLETELY FREE!”
- Cash Money — “And here’s the best part, we’re going to send every black American (and also all the other Americans, including ones that clearly don’t need it) a one time check for $600!!!!”
Mrs. Harris then went on to enumerate a near endless list of things that could be purchased with “that kind of C.R.E.A.M.” while flashing a WuTang sign with her hands. She may have listed “go see a Tupac concert,” and “get your hair did” multiple times, but it didn’t stop her infectious enthusiasm for the hard work the administration is hitting the ground with on day one.
Mrs. Harris closed by shouting “Tulsi Gabbard is a Russian whore” before the pair danced/hobbled off the stage together to Tupac’s “How Do You Want It,” while waving to the crowd of cheering staffers.
All told the Biden Administration’s Plan for Black America, being touted as the “Pyrite Plan,” will actually generate income thanks to the innovative BidenBanking system, and the fact that none of their initiatives cost additional money.
When reached for comment, rapper Ice Cube, who had been developing his own plan called “A Contract With Black America,” made a really mean face and threatened my family for “bringing that bullshit around here.”
