Dave Chapelle Comes Out, as a Comedian [Satire]
Dave Chapelle finds himself in hotter water as each day passes since the release of his sociological lecture for streaming platform Netflix this week. Initially defiant, the social lightening rod has now decided to come clean in a tearful apology. It appears that despite two decades of adamantly stating his many professional credentials, Mr. Chapelle is in fact a comedian.
Reading his statement from atop the smoldering pile of corpses his words created, Mr. Chapelle explained “I am not in fact a trained sociologist, tenured professor of biology, or doctor of any type of medicine. I’m not a newscaster, investment banker, and I’m not even Prince — I’m just a comedian. When you saw me on TV in the early 2000’s, I know I made it seem like a documentary series, but actually it was a skit comedy show.”
Audible gasps were heard from reporters gathered all around the charred heap of bodies as Chapelle elaborated that his three part lecture series on Netflix was a collection of comedy specials. “I know ya’ll trusted me with your health, security, and mental well-being, because I specifically told you I was trained in all this shit from all these fancy colleges, but the truth is I never even went to college. The truth is I’m just an incredibly astute and hilarious motherfucker with the unique ability to speak unspeakable truths to power while making people laugh. The truth is that I’m a damned fool and a liar.”
Three members of the press pool attending the struggle session actually died from the impact of Chapelle’s words when he questioned how the media never figured it out. “I mean come on, none of you reporters were a little suspicious when you saw me acting like a crackhead?” Their still warm bodies were added to the hillock of Chapelle’s victims.
Appearing sincere in his apology Chapelle retrieved a lighter from his coat pocket, and looking straight into the cameras announced “I will now light myself on fire as penance for my many misdeeds.” The only sounds in the area were the eager rustling of feathers where a twat (a cluster of woke-vultures) had amassed nearby — but instead Chapelle lit a cigarette and began laughing manically. As he descended the slopes of carnage his speech had caused he yelled “got you motherfuckers!”
The death toll from this devastating killing spree at the time of publishing is estimated at 600,000 and rising as Dave Chapelle continues to express himself openly to the world.
