On Parenting
If there’s anything I know about myself for certain, it is that I wanted to be a father earlier than most people — to the extent that I wrote a poem to my future unborn child when I was just 18 years old! 🤦🏾♂
In this post, I will try to reflect on my very own struggles and challenges over the past year to see what takeaways there are for me as a parent raising two children.
If I summarize the crux of the problem I face in one sentence — I am too wedded to external measures of success, to the extent that I don’t know what truly makes me happy independent of all those external considerations, and so I am living life not optimizing for my own happiness, but for the approval of others (mostly loved ones and role models). As my coach recently put it in reverse, “only when you become okay with the judgement of others, do you become truly free.”
Based on this, if I were to clearly articulate my goal in parenting my two kids, it would be to prepare and nurture them such that they can always be the best possible version of themselves, and feel happy and content with who they are becoming.
In distilling down to the very basics of what I think would accomplish this goal, I hypothesize that it’s a combination of two simple but extremely crucial actions from me and Sarah as parents (and this must be consistent between the two of us, and over time):
- Infuse in them a sense of unconditional love and belonging at least from our side
- Set high standards of values, thoughts, and actions for them, and set them up for a journey of continuous growth and self-improvement
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
The most fundamental need of humans is to feel love and belonging. So it is extremely important to give our children unconditional love and affection and accept them for the person they are. It is crucial that they don’t need to do something, meet some expectations, or be someone in order to be loved and accepted. In other words, it is love and acceptance without any strings attached.
Only when we manage to do that will we help them feel secure and comfortable in their own skin. They won’t need to please us or make us proud in order to feel loved or to belong, and as a result, they can afford to be their authentic selves. If they don’t want to do something we want them to do, they can tell us. If they do something wrong, they can still tell us, because they know we will not judge “them” even if we criticize that particular act or choice.
I think this is the most basic and absolutely essential ingredient for long-term happiness. If their foundations of love and belonging are rock-solid, they will be comfortable to listen to their own heart, stay true to themselves and take risks when necessary. If they are different in some socially less acceptable way (e.g. if they are gay), they would come out without hiding it. They will be able to fail and still get back up, because they won’t feel like they aren’t enough. They will not be afraid to disappoint or be judged, and therefore they will be free to follow their true inner curiosities and dreams.
One of my dear friends recently told me that growing up, his parents always found ways to be proud of him and love him regardless of how he fared in traditional measures parents tend to care about, such as grades. Not surprisingly, he is one of very few people I know around me who is entirely content with his own life, and not running after an externally defined goalpost of “success”.
SETTING HIGH STANDARDS (FOR GROWTH AND IMPROVEMENT)
I realize, though, that love and belonging alone does not provide our children sufficient tools to grow and become their best selves. For that, a different and complementary tool is necessary, which is to help them set high standards for themselves. This is not easy to achieve, or balance with unconditional love, so I’ll try to get into some nuance.
First, it is NOT about setting high standards that are OURS. If we do so, we are again trying to get them to fulfill some external standard, and so they may only feel forced to comply as long as we are looking. Instead, we should try to help our children think as free agents, and to reflect on their own actions critically and set their own standards. (I learned this approach from Sarah, who tells our kids to reflect on their own actions to decide what kind of a person they want to be, rather than telling them the kind of person she wants them to be. I realized there is a crucial difference between the two).
Secondly, I think criticism is fine and actually helpful, as long as it is directed at an action (not the person), and constructive (showing them how they can improve, and expressing an interest to help them do so).
Thirdly, it is important to constantly reinforce that they are ultimately competing with themselves, not anyone else. To reinforce this more tangibly, maybe we can admire, reward, and reinforce growth rather than absolute performance.
Fourth, we must give them the tools to use for growth and reflection, for example by teaching them goal-setting, reflection, meditation, and journaling. Exposing them to different stimuli and experiences is another way to help put them out of their comfort zone.
As tangible examples, let’s consider the following scenarios and a potential response (these are my best attempts right now — I’m sure it can be done a lot better. I’ll be grateful if you suggest improvements in comments):
- Our son comes home from school bragging about how he got highest points in his Math quiz. The response could be: “That’s great baba! I’m proud to hear you did well. But tell me, do you think this was the absolute best you could have done, or is there any room for improvement? How did you improve compared to your last quiz? Did you make any silly mistakes?”
- We notice our daughter throwing tantrums and stopping playing board games when she is not getting her way. An approach could be to pull her aside another time when she is in a good mood and ask: “Maa, why do you feel you need to stop playing when others are winning? How does it make you feel?”, and then walk her through the mental logic she is using to come to the conclusion such as throwing the game away, and helping her reframe it as an act of courage to persevere and overcome hard situations.
- We observe our son saying something demeaning to his sister such as “Why can’t you do this math? You’re stupid!”. A response could be to talk 1:1 with him and tell him: “Baba, you’re normally a very kind and considerate person, and we are really proud of that. But it was a really shitty thing, what you just said to your Bubu. Can you please explain what made you say that to her in this instance? Do you feel it is the right thing to say to your sister? How would you feel if someone you care about said that to you? At the end of the day, it’s up to you to decide what kind of a brother you want to be — caring and encouraging, or not. So please think about it and come back and tell me how you feel you should respond next time.”
As a video in one of my favorite Youtube Channels of all time succinctly but poignantly observed, “All inner voices used to be outer voices”. The voices in our head all came from our childhood authority figures, whether it is our parents, or teachers, ancestors or role models. I notice this again and again in my own journal, and can clearly trace the voices of self-doubt, self-criticism, low self-esteem, to different people who have been important to me at various times in my life, most noticeably from my childhood.
Of course there is only so much a parent can control. Children have many other outside influences other than at home. But I think if we as parents do these two things right, we will be able to give our children kind, compassionate, encouraging and affirmative inner voices for the rest of their lives. Can there ever be a better gift we can give to our children?
P.S. I’m sure many would argue on other things to add to the list. I don’t disagree that there are other important things as well, for example to teach kids to be self-reliant and independent, to teach them core values and leading by example, to instill self-discipline, etc. However, as of now, I am feeling that those things are great-to-haves, but not indispensable. If I had to choose the very foundation of what a child needs to evolve to be the best version of themselves possible, AND be happy while doing so, I would choose the above two things. Please let me know in comments if you disagree, and have a strong argument for doing so. I’d love nothing more than to improve my parenting game further.
