In the People Pleasing Trap? Learn to Set Boundaries, Voice Your Needs, and Enjoy Intimate Relationships!

Are You a People Pleaser? Do you have difficulty saying No?

The Foundation of developing people pleasing.

People pleasing can start as early as infancy, depending on the baby's temperament and others in the family. Babies are born with different characters, a propensity toward learning specific skills, and possibly some limitations in learning or other development.

In 1977 researchers Thomas and Chess established the goodness of fit model of development. In those years, there was much debate between the importance of nature vs. nurture in child development. Thomas and Chess were among the first theorists to discuss the interaction between child temperament and the environment and child adjustment outcomes. They concluded if the child's temperament fits well with the rest of the family, the child will adapt well developmentally. However, if the child's temperament was inconsistent with the family, they might have difficulty adjusting to interactions throughout life.

People Pleasers start off wanting to please their parents if you have a quiet temperament and feel much unmet need in how you were treated, loved, and cared for by your parents or primary caregiver, you may try to get your needs met by giving to them. However, some parents are aloof, and others yell and are scary, so the child tries to please the parent to meet the needs of their parents in the hopes that the parent will be happy with the child.

If parents are loud or abusive, a child can develop much anxiety and try to calm their parents by doing what the parent wants. However, the child becomes afraid not to please their parents.

People Pleasing Throughout life.

This therapist is very familiar with people pleasing. When I was 10, my best friend made me a Tuna Fish sandwich. I took a bite of it and almost threw up. I wouldn't say I did not like tuna fish; she realized I was having a problem and made me a sandwich I liked. After that, people would ask me to do things for them, and in my head, I said no, but out of my mouth came yes. After that, I often went on dates I did not like. I had so much breaking up with them. It took years of therapy, but I have finally been able to set limits.

Many people have come into my office unable to set limits. They feel lost in relationships because they can't say no. One man sold a car he loved because his girlfriend nagged him so much that he could not take it anymore.

Another situation was unbelievable to me. My client 25 and his brother 27 were arguing with their mom and she got very of upset. My client’s brother,could not handle his mothers unhappiness. My clients brother is an atheist, but told his mother he would be born again in the church if she stopped being so upset. My client who is 25 asked his brother, Why did you say that? The 27 year old brother said”What elese did you expect me to do”

This left two problems for these brothers (1) Was the 27-year-old brother going to go to church even though he did not want that in his life? (2) Was the 25-year-old brother going to fall out of favor with his mother because he would not attend church? We can see that people pleasing can bring up all sorts of problems.

How to Stop Being A People Pleaser

Studies show several actions people can take to stop being people pleasers. However, it is essential to acknowledge that changing a behavior that has been with you since childhood will take some time and attention. Below is a list of behaviors that can help people stop.

1. Realize that you are an adult and have choices about what you want and feel is right for you. This does take some time to listen to yourself and see your reaction to doing something the other wants.
2. Think about your friends, family, and people you associate with. Who do you feel more comfortable setting boundaries with, and who is difficult? People who do not accept your limit the first time you say it and try to manipulate you into doing what they want may be more challenging. Noticing how you feel is the most important.
3. Try to create a self-statement that you can use when you feel like you're having trouble setting a limit—for example, 1. I can say what I think or want without negating what the other person wants. 2 I can say what I want or don't want to do without explaining. 3. I can respect the feelings and wants of others and still accept mine. 4. We can be kind to each other and agree to disagree 5. I do not always have to be the one that gives. I can also receive.
4. Some people have a hard time saying NO. It brings up issues from the past. You can do the Sandwich Exercise, and for some, this is helpful.
5. The Sandwich exercise; 1. Start with the Bread on the top. This is a statement thanking someone for an invitation or activity. An example would be I appreciate your invitation 2. Then go to the meat, peanut butter, or whatever is in the middle. An example might be I am sorry, but I don't feel up to doing that activity right now. 3. Is the bottom piece of Bread a statement that ends the conversation nicely? An example might be; I hope you have an excellent time.
6. Paying attention to how you feel after you have set a boundary can raise your self-esteem and confidence. Also, remember this is a learning process, and sometimes you may slip back into people pleasing. Be gentle with yourself so you can move forward.

References

Hipson, Will & Séguin, Daniel. (2017). The goodness of Fit Model. 10.1007/978–3–319–28099–8_757–1.

Lebow, H, a journalist for the website https://psychcentral.com/health/tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser, wrote tips to stop being a people pleaser. Mathew Boland, Ph.D., medically reviewed her work.