Every ending has a new beginning
I hate goodbyes.
I only realised today how bad I am at them.
I can’t bear the pain and grief so I numb out, check out and leave before anyone can leave me. Actually, I think for a long time I’ve not even really showed up in the first place, hidden behind layers and layers of armour and protection.
When I was 6, I told my mum I wasn’t going to make friends at the new place — my dad was in the military and we moved, a lot. The year I turned 6, it was something like 2 houses, 3 schools and 4 teachers in 12 months.
So I quit.
I stopped making friends. I stopped letting people in. I stopped showing up in relationships.
It always felt safer that way.
30 years later, things are changing now. I’m learning to let people in. To let them touch my heart. To show the deepest, darkest, most vulnerable parts of my soul. To see them as the beautiful, complex, perfectly imperfect human beings they are.
But god it hurts when it’s time to let them go.
It terrifies me that being in connection and in community brings me so much joy and fulfilment. Because there always and naturally comes a time when it’s time to say goodbye, even if it’s just for a little while.
The grief and sorrow I feel now is a reminder of how much this matters to me — we hurt where we care. The saltiness of my tears as they fall down my cheeks are a visceral memento of what each soul brings into my life and how much I will miss them when they’re gone.
I feel so alone in these moments. In the darkness, until the light of connection shines on me again.
And I’m learning that it will.
That light fires my soul. I come alive in connection in ways that continually amaze me.
And, of course, those souls never leave me. You touch my heart and that will stay with me always. I am shaped and created in our connection.
Alone. In darkness,
The fire burns brightly. Alive.
You are here with me.
And I’m learning that I have to keep showing up in my vulnerability to be open to connection and community. To leave the armour at home. To see and be seen.
So here I am. In my fear, my loneliness, and my grief, inviting you in, even though I will shed tears when we part.
Thank you to my Vision 2020 group for being on the journey with me and enabling this realisation. It’s been a privilege and a pleasure to be with you all over the past 5 months and everything it has thrown at us. See you on the road x
