Sometimes you need to rip up the rule book
“Breaking rules isn’t bad when what you’re doing is more important than the rule itself.” ~ Kim Harrison
I came across a meme on social media recently.
“There are two types of people in every relationship:
Partner 1: ‘Okay, I have our passports, boarding passes and car rental reservation.’
Partner 2: ‘Where are we going again?’”
I’m Partner 1. I’m the type of person who unpacks my suitcase from a trip and puts the washing machine on before I’ve had a shower or done anything else. When my partner and I travelled to Bali last year, I printed out every last piece of paperwork we might possible need (in duplicate in case we got separated — sorry, trees) and put it in a logical order in a binder.
I’m generally a ‘form’ person. I like structure. I love a spreadsheet — seriously, a good spreadsheet is something of a turn-on.
Structure creates safety, predictability and creative constraints. Form reassures my inner perfectionist that this a right and wrong way to do things and I find this calming. Structure is like the banks of a river, harnessing the power of the moving water in a certain direction.
Form is only one side of the coin.
Its sister is flow. Flow is where the aliveness is; it’s the moving water. Flow is spontaneous and unpredictable. It’s exciting and creative.
Most of us have a preference and, I would argue, we all need both.
Flow without form is unfocused. It never gets around to the hard stuff because there’s always something more interesting and fun to do. Flow can be flaky. Ubud is a notoriously flow place; people don’t show up at the agreed time or place because “it just wasn’t flowing”.
Form without flow is rigid and unresponsive. It can become myopic, task-focused and unfeeling. Form on its own is monotonous and boring.
Form and flow are not an ‘either, or’; they are ‘both and’. They’re a polarity.
“We can think of a polarity as two interdependent concepts or values that seem in opposition at first glance, but truly balance and are at the heart of one another.” ~ Jason Digges
Read more about polarities and perfectionism
One area where I got out of balance this year and felt the impact of too much structure right now was how I show up online. For 18 months, I have been dogmatically consistent about sharing content through my weekly newsletter, blog and on social media.
I love it. I love sharing my ideas and perspectives with the world; writing regularly has helped me hone my point of view on perfectionism. I love that I can share practical tools for free and I love to connect with fellow recovering perfectionists. Plus, my authentic marketing coaches Tad Hargrave, George Kao and Caroline Leon all espouse the importance of content in building a coaching business (which is what I’m trying to do).
I have a spreadsheet, obviously, with my content plan and every Monday, I have Content Day when my exclusive focus is on writing and sharing content.
It’s been so helpful. Having a plan and a commitment to be consistent has supported me to show up even on the days when I’m not quite feeling like it.
Except it stopped being helpful. I found myself struggling to find something I want to say that feels like it might be useful or worthy of your time and attention. And I know I’m alone in not enjoying Instagram in 2022; quite frankly, fuck reels.
In a recent Connection Cafe , I offered a theme of exploring our relationship with emptiness and not knowing — something I was going through at the time. We all sat in silence for 5 minutes to experience our relationship with nothingness. It proved to be fertile ground, as the Void so often ends up being. I had one clear thought during these 5 minutes and that was “what would it be like to take a break from my content plan for a whole month?” I voiced this in the group and received such heartfelt support. “Rest is resistance” said one participant. I immediately felt better about the idea because now my rest has purpose 🤣
The more I sat with the idea, the calmer I felt in my body. And so that’s what I did. I ripped up the plan and put the spreadsheet away for a whole month.
Breaking my own rules and taking this break required a whole heap of trust. I had that you’ll all still be here when I get back; I was afraid that if I wasn’t present every week, people would forget about me and find some other somatic perfectionism coach to hang out with. I had to trust that taking a break and giving myself space for more flow would help me stay soft and compassionate towards myself while I sit with some gnarly existential questions. I had to trust that this idea emerged from some healthy somatic wisdom, rather than an old trauma pattern — the body may never lie but it doesn’t always tell the ‘truth’ either.
Now on the other side of this experiment, I can report it felt amazing! Giving myself a break was exactly what I needed and I emerged from this time off with more energy, focus and excitement, even if re-establishing the habit required some dedication. This space also allowed me to see a bigger pattern at play. My life has changed dramatically in the past couple of years and I’m noticing my need for more grounding and stability in my life; I had started to use this structure in my work as a proxy which wasn’t really fulfilling the underlying need. As my break came to an end, I’ve been able to establish a more balanced relationship with structure and stability so I’m not holding on so tight.
“I’m a believer in moderation in all things, including moderation.” ~ Robert Genn
Like every rhythm in life, our needs for structure and spontaneity ebb and flow. Where in your life do you need more structure? Where could you allow more flow?
Originally published at https://vixanderton.com on September 29, 2022.
