What Self-Care Really Means

“Selfish is caring for ourselves at others’ expense.
Self-care is taking care of ourselves so that we can be there for others.”
~ Bill Crawford

For us busy overachievers, self-care can so easily become another thing on our increasingly long to-do lists. As if it’s a single task that we can simply tick off on our way to productivity nirvana.

The problem with this is that self-care is not prescriptive. At its best, it’s responsive to how we feel, where we are in our cycles, and the environment around us. It’s the difference between the answers to the question “are you taking care of yourself?” (probably yes) and “how are you taking care of yourself?”. Force-marching yourself to a bubble bath because you “should” be practising self-care is as much use as a chocolate teapot.

Stripped down, self-care means noticing how we are and meeting ourselves there. When we tune into ourselves, we see that our needs change from day to day, from month to month. Making a habit of checking in with ourselves makes us more aware of our own needs, which in turn help us cultivate the practices needed to rejuvenate us day in and day out.

Self-care means we prioritise our relationship with ourselves before anyone else. Because it is impossible to connect or take care of anyone else if we are not first in connection with ourselves. And it takes intentional effort to sustain any relationship, especially one many of us are so used to putting last

It’s not always glamorous or relaxing. Sometimes self-care means calling ourselves out on the things we are doing that aren’t healthy for us. Sometimes it means getting out of our own way, even if it’s deeply uncomfortable.

Sometimes, self-care is less of this…

Photo by Brandy Kennedy on Unsplash

Photo by Rob Wicks on Unsplash

…and more about doing the hard work of saying no and setting boundaries.

Self-care requires work that looks a little different for everyone:

• admitting that you don’t want to do it all by yourself and allowing yourself to accept help
• setting boundaries and saying no to requests you aren’t comfortable with or invitations that you feel you “should” accept
• saying yes to new experiences and expanding your comfort zone
• replacing toxic habits with healthier coping mechanisms, like meditation or exercise
• letting yourself eat an entire tub of ice cream without feeling bad about it
• choosing eight hours of sleep over watching another episode on Netflix
• watching another episode on Netflix over getting eight hours of sleep

All, some or none of these things might work for you — what matters is focusing on what feels right for your needs.

Here’s a quick and simple audit you can do to make sure you’re caring for yourself and meeting your needs.

1. Write a list of things that energise, nourish and relax you.
2. Write another list of things that deplete and drain you or bring you down.
3. Do more of the first list and less of the second.

My lists look something like this at the moment:

Things that lift me up
Playing authentic relating games
Exercising (and I have to remember I feel this after exercising not before!)
Crossing things off my to-do list
A cup of tea (seriously, never fails)

Things that bring me down
Not getting enough sleep
Trying to decide what to eat when I’m hungry (hello, meal planning!)
Binging Netflix to avoid facing tension with my partner
Anything with a sentence that starts with “I should…”

What do your lists look like and how could you do a little more of the first and a little less of the second?

Originally published at https://vixanderton.com on January 13, 2022.