FAQs with a Demisexual Person

“I barely understand all this cacophony around sexual orientation. For how many years it’s been

normal for men and women to marry!”

“So you’re saying that that’s the only orientation?”

“Of course. But now all these modern things say that there is something called homosexual, and now they are asking for rights, okay, given. Now what are all these new-new identities? Simply a plea for attention.”

“Nope. It’s not a plea for attention. It’s a very real aspect of a person’s identity. It’s hard to say that there is only one kind of a sexual orientation because there are so many nuances to individual experiences and identities and it’s hard to put them into binary boxes.”

“How do you mean? It’s silly, if you ask me. You are attracted either to the same sex or the other sex. That’s all.”

“Ah, no. That’s not it alone. You can be attracted to neither of the sexes, you could be attracted to both sexes, to neither or to multiple genders, you could have attraction that fluctuates between different gender identities, you could be attracted to two gender identities or sexual identities, you could have no attraction but desire a relationship, you could be hetero or homo flexible — there are plenty of aspects to this.”

“Are you serious?”

“Of course. See, the point you need to bear in mind is that sex is not binary, gender is not binary, and sexual orientation is not binary.”

“But it’s all about love and lust…”

“Attraction is not a function of love alone or lust alone, or both. It could be one without another. For instance, I identify as a demisexual.”

“What?”

“Demisexual means that sexual attraction comes only after an emotional bond.”

“What rubbish is this? You’re describing basic romance!”

“Ah, that’s where you’re mistaken. A demisexual is all about being emotionally connected to someone — whether it is romantic love or even deep friendship — it means that there is sexual attraction or desire, but only towards that specific partner.”

“So… that’s abstinence or a moral choice.”

“It is not abstinence, but rather a lack of sexual attraction until closeness is formed. To understand this, you must understand what primary and secondary sexual attraction are. Primary sexual attraction is based on a person’s looks, their clothes or physical appearance. But secondary sexual attraction comes from a deep connection or closeness.”

“So that can take a lot of time, right? Isn’t it then basically just finding the right person?”

“Yes and no. First, the concept of “right person” as an abstract hypothetical barely makes sense. There is no absolute right or wrong for any of us. We are dynamic beings with dynamic minds, so we evolve and don’t stagnate to be little pieces of a puzzle that fit only one person. That said, I understand what you mean — it is about finding that bond and building that bond and then finding that secondary sexual attraction.”

“So… it’s just loyalty?”

“Loyalty is a value. Demisexuality is a sexual orientation. You can cultivate loyalty and bring yourself to be a loyal human being in the same way that you can bring yourself to be a good leader. These things can be learned.”

“Okay…”

“Demisexuality is a sexual orientation — it relates to the gender to which one is attracted. You can’t cultivate attraction or build it. It does. The point to bear in mind is to understand that identity and orientation are as diverse as they can possibly be. The spectrum is incredibly varied and it is difficult to check boxes and confine things to what we think are the norm for others to follow.”

“That makes sense. A LOT of sense.”

Originally published at www.redelephantfoundation.org on July 7, 2017.