Patriarchy affects men too
Can men be victims of patriarchy?
In one word, yes.
Patriarchy pervades our lives to such an extent that it is no longer exclusive to one gender identity. The world has been conditioned and cultured to believe, follow and mechanically accept gender-based prejudices. The manifestations of gender norms and gender stereotypes affect not only women, but also men and transgender people as well.
The gender-conditioning starts at a very young age for both boys and girls. As young boys lift girls’ skirts in a playground, are told not to cry ‘like a girl’ and develop a domineering and casually violent attitude towards girls, they are told that ‘boys will be boys’. All the aforementioned instances and more point to young boys that their actions are justified just because they are boys. There, then, arises a sense of impunity wherein boys begin to think they may get away with anything because of their gender. Boys will act as ‘boys’ if we allow those behaviors to continue unchecked and un-reprimanded. Calling out negative behavior is just as important as making sure it doesn’t develop in the first place.
As the young boys grow up into adolescents and teenagers, they are often admonished for daring to show their ‘feminine side’ or showing vulnerability and emotions. A guy who cries is laughed off as weak or girly. Unfortunately, the common perception is that any man who doesn’t fit into the criteria of ‘typical’ masculinity, they are seen as “effeminate” or “emasculated”. Since when did showing emotions become associated with being weak, or more stupidly, being feminine? A lot of times, boys are expected to be tough: whether getting over a break-up or loss or asserting their superiority in any given domain. If we continue to promote stoicism, we denounce emotional intelligence — young boys will grow up at odds with their true feelings and will not know how to deal with or express them healthily. This can lead to many mental health problems including a miasma of anxieties. Isn’t it time that we just allow men and boys to be? To not put pressure on them to conform?
As grown men, they face an even bigger myriad of expectations from society. The expectations to be financially successful, to be breadwinners for the family, to make the best use of all the opportunities presented to them and to be assertive and confident leaders. In the context of a college environment and work environment, the rules that delegates a woman’s dress code harms both men and women. Not only does it suggest that women should be modest as not to provoke men, but also that the man needn’t control his urges and that he is a savage/primitive being who is distracted easily. The smaller emotional quotient of men also leads to claims of domestic violence or sexual assault being dismissed, taken less seriously or not reported in fear of being ostracized by society. Their claims are also denigrated and shrugged off as non-notable.
As a father and/or husband, a man’s role in the family is usually overlooked or understated. New dads are given short paternity leaves in many countries and are not given enough duties or responsibilities in child-care as they are brushed off as being incapable, clueless and irresponsible. Divorced men can face cumbersome alimony payments even when their ex-wives are earning substantial incomes. It’s hard to sympathize with the need for long-term alimony payments given the greater participation of women in the workforce. Men also receive custody of children in very rare circumstances in divorce cases. This is primarily because men are seen as secondary caregivers and often stigmatized as single-parents because they lack maternal instinct and can never compensate for the role a mother plays in the child’s life. For similar reasons, gay couples find it difficult in adopting children.
Men are also subject to a long history of social and legal pressures to fight in wars, join the military — pressures that women don’t experience in the same way, generally. There are many parallels in the comparison of jobs that men and women do — most go unnoticed in fact. Male nurses are looked down upon whereas female doctors are assumed to be nurses. Women ‘nannies’ are totally accepted as they are expected to do the childcare but men are treated with suspicion and incompetence around children. Women are seen as aggressive and bulky if they lift weights but men are ‘failing and weak’ if they don’t.
Women have been fighting patriarchy for a really long time. The time has come for men to not only join in the fight but also argue against the unfair notions set against them. The time has come to collectively take responsibility for how these problems are manifested through social engineering. The time has come for all of us to take responsibility in building well-rounded, emotionally intelligent and empathetic men through education, awareness and open-mindedness. Start having those difficult conversations. Call out harmful behaviors and attitudes. Allow boys and men to grow up in a world free from masculinity-fueled shackles. Let them be themselves and not lose their way or individuality. When will the change happen? When you decide to become the driver for change, you can see change happen little by little. You can start to see a more progressive and accepting world.
