Sexism in jokes is not funny!

Q: What do you call a woman with an opinion?

A: Wrong

Q: When can women make you a millionaire?

A: When you’re a billionaire.

This was followed by a slew of laughing emoticons and ha ha ha’s as the response from the many people in the whatsapp group I am part of where sharing such jokes is a daily routine! And the moment I label it as a sexist slur, no brownie points to guess what the reaction must have been!

“Oh! Come on, it’s just a joke!” came a retort.

“Where is your sense of humor? Don’t you think you are being too sensitive and overreacting?”

“You don’t need to wear your feminist lens for every other statement one makes,” said another!

“You need to lighten up and learn how to take a joke,” came another response.

For centuries, be it jokes labeling women as gold diggers or ethnic slurs like the Sardarji jokes in India or the boardroom sexist slurs, have been doing rounds. While it is common to see a steady stream of such prejudiced wisecracks as jokes or memes across social media, such statements have been out there disguised as jokes even in the non-internet/ non-tech era. Growing up, it was not uncommon to hear men in the family crack jokes that implied their wives to be a headache or them coming back home from work being equated to coming back to hell (or cranky/dominating wives).

Often presented as harmless humour, sexist (racist) jokes are nothing but tasteless humour. In a society where sexism, racism and discrimination across other drivers of peace is rampant, such jokes do very little in breaking the stereotype and creating an inclusive space. Humour which at the face of it might appear to be harmless, has layers of harmful stereotypes that not only devalue the targeted communities but validate prejudice and discrimination at every level.

Recently, I was at a family get together. This is a yearly ritual. Me and my husband had flown down from Singapore as we had moved there on his work assignment. As conversations got going, my aunt casually passed a remark signalling that I as a trailing spouse have an easy life with money pouring-in in dollars and I could do whatever I liked, shopping, travelling and so on. Me having a job really didn’t matter.

This was followed by my uncle who said, “Ya after all trailing spouses are just like briefcases! They follow their spouses and hop, skip, jump from one place to another.” And everyone around burst out laughing calling me a ‘Briefcase’!

As I began rebuking and expressed my disgust at the statement, he responded-

“Don’t mind beta, this was just a joke.”

But let’s face it! This is not just a joke. And if you think this is just a joke, then you must be kidding me!

Why is this offensive, one might think? Let us break down the statements further-

-As a trailing spouse, I am dependent on my husband and it is completely ok for me to not have a job as, my husband provides for me.

-I am unable to make my own money.

-Even if I do take up a job, the money I make is not important.

-All I do is enjoy a lavish lifestyle by spending money on travelling and shopping.

-I am a briefcase, with no agency of my own, just follow my husband from one place to another.

While one might argue this was not the intention or not what they meant, one cannot ignore the underlying subtexts these statements convey. Expressions such as these appear to be trivial and frivolous when masked and passed off as humour. But they have a very hostile subtext which deny women any agency and reinforce the patriarchal norm where men are primary breadwinners and providers while women are relegated to the domestic sphere with no decision making power. An attitude that stems out of the belief where women are considered as mere objects, objects that need care, that need to be protected, that need to follow the instruction manual and that have no life or purpose of their own. And when this attitude comes to be communicated through/ as humour, it is considered safe and not prejudiced or hostile. They reinforce and perpetuate stereotypes, and conceal elements of patriarchy in a socially acceptable way as it comes with the disclaimer- ‘It’s just a joke’.

As an expat woman and a trailing spouse, be it at our weekly gatherings with friends or conversations with family and friends, there have been numerous instances where the husbands often go on a friendly tirade on how their wives are high-maintenance (expensive to be maintained) or how they often spend their time meeting friends and going out for expensive brunches and dinners. In addition to this, they also reinforce the need for the woman to be home and undertake care-giving responsibilities as they feel that is key to impart the right values and upbringing of their children. I often find these discussions make a punchline out of what an ideal woman ought to be and how in a casual manner, they normalize stereotypes around gender. And sexist jokes and humor just do that. One can say that jokes can be categorised as benevolent sexism that are often presented in a casual, nonchalant manner but are as hostile and harmful as they normalize sexism and gender inequality. What was even more disturbing was how a lot of women in the group were so complicit and comfortable with the sexist slurs and joined the bandwagon in laughing at them and putting up with these jokes.

In my interactions with my friends and other expat women, I have often noticed how instances of benevolent sexism play a powerful role in shaping perspectives and often is instrumental in internalizing social norms and attitudes that devalue a woman’s contribution and place in society. And this is as much true for women who continue to have a successful career but are often made to feel that their work is only secondary to their role as wives and mothers.

A lot of people have often asked me to ignore sexist and chauvinistic wisecracks as that often makes one feel like a loser who is unable to participate completely in lighthearted conversations. This is such a convenient way of passing the buck to someone who is resisting or calling out sexist behaviour. But it’s high time we all acknowledge and challenge the status quo around us. A significant start towards achieving a gender equal society is by being the change you want to see. Unless we speak up and break the silence in calling out the tasteless humour, sexism will continue to be omnipresent!