The Undercurrents of Sexism at Festivals
I absolutely love Diwali. It is the most celebrated festival at my home. I love what most festivals signify to me. The idea of family and friends coming together, when otherwise busy schedules make catching up difficult. While doing so, I acknowledge practices that are casteist or may be built on the oppression of any sub group and avoid practising them and make an attempt to call out such practices.
One thing that remains at the table, however much I try, during all festivals, is the undercurrent of sexism in rituals and interactions. So it was Diwali again recently, like every year, and this is where these observations primarily stem from.
The sexism isn’t overt, it is small simple acts that often go unnoticed. It is in the subtle division of labour around festival chores, where women are relegated to kitchen and rangoli duty and the men to all the electricity and hardware concerns. This division has no rational basis at all, unless one counts the subversive patriarchy that permeates every aspect of our lives of course, for e.g., I’m a woman and I can fix an electric fixture better than most people I know but when the lights go off, I’ll be the last person to be asked to fix it. But somehow this is how it’s been and this is how it persists to be. If you enjoy cooking and making rangolis, please continue being fabulous at doing so! If not, stop. This is as much your festival as that of others, celebrate it the way you want to, even if that means fixing year old fairy lights, all by yourself.
Once we get to the puja (worship) bit of the festival, it is seen in how subtly the men are made to pray first, how they are made to fill out the registers on the day of laxmi puja (worship of the goddess of wealth), the irony being that during other festivities, younger girls are prayed to as an incarnation of the goddess of wealth. And if you’re a widowed woman, god forbid you’re even allowed in the vicinity of the prayer area — your right to worship is invariably constantly linked to and placed second to that of any man. Maybe we should give in and let it go, it is a matter of 30 minutes of prayers that you may not even believe in? But wouldn’t it be better if we asked to pray first or stood up for someone who isn’t being allowed to pray because they are widowed and question them on why not, till they realise how silly their arguments are. Question for yourself or use your own privilege in certain settings to question unfair practices perpetrated against others. You should do this for legions of younger girls that will come after you and will have noone to tell them that they too can pray first and that god and religion aren’t owned by men.
While we do this, a conversation with a friend, Kirthi, reminded me of the oppression surrounding women in the histories of these very festivals. She says and I agree completely, “Much of what we celebrate as festivals are a result of interpretation. For every woman venerated as a goddess, a woman in a low caste is also harassed — such as in Holi, or Holika Dahana, we celebrate the burning of a woman. We celebrate Diwali as the return of Ram to Ayodhya after vanvaas, but we ignore what he did to Sita.”
Oh, and how can we forget the family dinners and gatherings that can serve as a source of dread for so many of us. The sexism is in the casual initiation of conversations with questions on your weight and marital status if you’re a woman and on your career if you’re a man. It is in the having to tolerate such comments because of pre warnings on how your feminism seems to have spoilt enough family dinners already. This subtle, continued body shaming leaves no stone unturned, there will be digs at your weight, your skin, your colour and your inability to marry well (hence proving to be worthless to the family) because of this complexity of body standards you do not meet, these gatherings will do their best to make you believe that these standards are the only way you’ll find love. Please don’t believe them, believe me? Have that extra kaju katli if it makes you happy. Love and intimacy is never a function of how your body is shaped or coloured.
It doesn’t just end here, even the ‘progressive’ later after Diwali parties, with their card games and drinking, women are delegated to all the organising aspects. They’re busy ensuring that everyone has a good time and that glasses run full and that people are happy, but they’ve pretty much spent a holiday doing nothing for themselves. If this sounds like you at a party and it doesn’t sound like a role you enjoyed fulfilling, please realise that you don’t have to, divide chores equally or take turns with male members in organising the events. Sit down, pour yourself a drink, and let others fulfil their part of the workload.
And to top it all of is the placing of such care and sacrifice on a pedestal, ensuring that those who speak out against it are seen as ungrateful for the recognition given to them (if any is given) or just as people who want to ruin an otherwise perfect celebratory evening for others. Try not to let that get to you? Sacrificing personal joy isn’t something you should have to do, if you don’t like the pedestal, get off it and smash it down so they can’t ever place anyone else on it again.
I understand that speaking out or acting in manners suggested here isn’t possible for each woman, that is completely okay as well. Try, as far as you can, and for as long as you can, to change things that you think are wrong. Try to build a festival that is celebratory for persons of all genders. Try building a festival that all people can look forward to.
If you’re a male ally reading this, you know what to do.
