That Moment When
My Mainly-Love-Some-Hate Relationship With Epiphanies
I love epiphanies... Of course I appreciate the increase in wisdom. But I have to confess: I am a sucker for the excitement of being acutely aware that no matter how banal the moment looks like from the outside, I’ve just experienced a distinct step in growth on the inside.
But I also hate them (a bit.) There’s the pesky dying part — because that innocent-looking, epiphanous(?) moment suddenly shatters a long-held belief (or two) of mine. Time to say goodbye to my life as I know it — again. I fear the losing of old friends, be they fellow humans, ideas, or activities.
Thankfully, the math works out such that my love of epiphanies is greater than any ensuing malaise.
Speaking of math: in my early thirties, I felt the urge to check something off my “bucket list”, namely to attend a prestigious graduate school. I landed at Stanford, in a Computational/Mathematical program. (In retrospect, this was a funny choice, as I’ve always been more of a good math foot soldier than a creative-genius math whisperer!)
Despite being in way over my head, I was determined to pass the PhD qualifying exams and pursue research in the field. I studied more than I’d ever studied. Six- to nine-hour days for the better part of two months, huddled over workbooks in downtown Mountain View cafes, my lower back aching from all the tense sitting.
One fine evening, away from my daily cafe grind, I whipped out my Discrete Math textbook, my toughest class. Every problem smelled of those crazy Math Olympiads. But I decided to try something different: take all my usual energies spent believing I wasn’t good enough, and invest them in going about a Discrete Math problem calmly (confidently, even) and systematically. To reasonably pretend that I am capable of solving it.
I looked down at my sheet of paper filled with my work, having reached a point where there was nothing left to resolve. Nooo… did I actually do that? Omg! I just solved a Discrete Math problem!
So I am NOT “the person who cannot solve these types of problems” that I believed myself to be. The shock. My very identity had to change. My eyes opened wide, I paced frantically around in my room. I even felt a bit ill (dizzied by the depth of the realization, perhaps)!
My latest epiphany is weirder than the Discrete Math one. See my next story on how I decided to…
apply to…
Medical School(!)…
At age 49(!!)…
(Questions for you: what epiphany has had an impact on you? How did it feel?)
