Vatican worried as Japanese youth has finished all side quests and can now focus on killing God
VATICAN CITY — The Holy See has convened in an emergency session over recent reports that Yasuo Satō, an eight-year-old hailing from Tottori prefecture in Japan, has completed all of the available side quests and is now ready to confront the Christian Deity.
While it has yet to issue an official statement, information has leaked that purports the Diocese of Rome has issued an all-hands-on-deck for the completion of its most recent defensive upgrades of the Acropolis. Transferred stone by stone from Jerusalem during the 1100s, the former temple houses the only known entrance to the Spheres of Heaven.
“It’s absolute insanity right now. Puzzles are being checked, waist-height barriers thrown together, and keys tucked in secret cubbies…it’s chaos,” said a Cardinal who wished to remain anonymous. “This kid is already on his way thanks to some grizzled engineer he met that so happened to have an airship. We have two days, at top, to be ready for him. That includes placing priests at random spots around St. Peter’s Square to fight him in turn-based combat.”
Satō began his quest against the Empyrean’s Ruler at age three after a misunderstanding with visiting missionaries left him an orphan and his village destroyed.
“Yasuo-kun was always such a sweet boy. I couldn’t tell you how many times he would fetch things for me from Aomori,” said local elder Atsuko Hara. “Between that and bringing the local wildlife to near-extinction levels, he’s grown so quickly. Of course, he had to once the Christians found out about his quest to kill their God, and started sending higher-ranking members at regular intervals to stop him.”
Catholics around the world are at the precipice of having their entire religion wiped out should Satō’s quest be successful. We’ll have more as this story develops.
