New NSA Study Finds That 100% Of Americans Have Never, Ever Wanted To Open 25 Browser Tabs At Once

FORT MEADE, MD — A new study released today by the National Security Agency (NSA) has determined that 100% of Americans have never intentionally wanted to open 25 browser tabs at once while using a web browser. “After combing through our massive database on over 300 million Americans representing hundreds of billions of recorded browser sessions, we have not found a single user that has ever deliberately ⌘/CTRL-clicked their bookmarks folder in an attempt to open dozens of links in separate tabs,” concluded the report, noting that launching so many tabs at once can slow down the agency’s data sniffing program and increases the likelihood of it crashing. “Our data shows that at least five out of every five browser sessions in which the user initiates opening 25 browser tabs simultaneously has always been followed by frantic efforts to abort the unwanted tabs.”