Fantasy Football Dos & Don’ts: Our Guide to Picking the Perfect Team Name

Spoiler alert: Make ‘em laugh

Ahhhhh, selecting your fantasy team name. So. Much. Pressure.

You have to choose to be the wittiest, punniest, timeliest team name in your league. (Because even if your team ends up sucking, at least you’ll have the honors of the best team name.)

Don’t worry: Based on how many damn articles there are out there for “BEST FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM NAMES,” everyone on the planet is having a hard time coming up with their own team name, and will end up just ripping off someone else.

This year, there is so much great topical fodder—we included a few headline-makers to choose from:

Pokémon:

PokéMoncrief after Colts WR Donte Moncrief … or Catch Jamaal (after Chiefs RB Jamaal Charles, of course).

Game of Thrones:

Our fave is: First Downs and Second Sons, but there are oh, so so many others.

Politics:

To ensure that we are giving equal time to both sides: Make America Gronk Again (needs no explanation), or I’m With Hurns (after Allen Hurns, who went undrafted and then set the fantasy scene on fire.)

Other Sports:

No matter where you stand on Steph Curry and KD, how can you not love Golden Tate Warriors?

This Year’s Top Draft Picks:

There’s a ridiculous site with a “Fantasy Football Names for Girls” section that suggests He Wentz to Jared (after #2 draft pick QB Carson Wentz and #1 draft pick QB Jared Goff). That one actually made us laugh, but the others were downright lame and offensive. (OK, since you asked, here are a couple of the worst: Hair, Makeup & Wins … Cleats & Cleavage … Jamaal My Children, because you know, soap operas.)

So you get it — most people come up with names by using typical inside joke-stuff that is so obscure that it makes others feel dumb for not getting it. We reject that notion, and are here to help you come up with a clever, classic name for your Fantasy Team. But first …

The Relish Fantasy Don’ts

1. Don’t choose a pop culture reference that is so timely that it will be old news by midseason. The presidential election is in early November. We got football ’til February. “Game of Thrones” declared it’s in its last season. Just sayin’.

2. Don’t commit your entire season to a new draft pick who might not even get any on-field action this season. Like Goff or Wentz. Sorry dudes.

3. Don’t necessarily name your entire team after your top fantasy pick. I could have done that last year, after my top pick Le’Veon Bell — you know, the guy I was relying on for my entire damn season after he got suspended for the first two games and then injured in Week 8 and leaving me completely screwed. Thank God I didn’t name my team: Le’Veon Bell of the Ball (that was another dumb name on that other “names for girls” site.)

Instead, let us help you pick a name that can last you from season to season. One that represents who you are as a female fan, and as a kick-ass fantasy player.

The Relish Fantasy Dos:

  1. Do start with your favorite player of all time: Most years, my fantasy team is Lynn Swann’s Juicy A$$, because I was fixated on the acrobatic, graceful Lynn Swann as a child. And apparently, his juicy derriere. I used dollar signs for the double “s” because my teenage niece was in the league and I was pretending that she couldn’t spell. Now that she’s well over 21, I still use “A$$,” because I am money. I’ve won the Super Bowl twice in that league. Money.) This name led to my friend choosing to name his team Rocky Bleier’s Mustache. In yet another league, I chose Joe Namath’s Fur Coat, another childhood obsession. You get the point. Go for classic. Iconic. Go for something that’s going to stay with you throughout your fantasy career.
  2. Or do try something completely ridiculous: Go to the other extreme and pick a crazy player name like Barkevious Mingo. (Mingo, please take no offense here. Boeke is a tough one too, trust me.) But your team can be Barkevious Mingolicious. Or take something like Ha Ha Clinton-Dix and… you’re done! No editing needed. Or combine tip #1 and #2 and go with Kiss My Butkus, after Dick Butkus, especially if you’re a Bears fan. (Or if you’re a fan of ’70s and ’80s TV shows, because he appeared in nearly every one.)

3. Do not underestimate the power of songs/lyrics: These never fail. Choose a classic like Leather and Lacy, after Packers RB Eddie Lacy, compliments of Stevie Nicks & Don Henley … or a feel-good song like Up All Night to Get Luck-Y, after Colts QB and all-around-good-guy and possible Luddite Andrew Luck and Daft Punk … or something right now like Hartline Bling, after free agent WR Brian Hartline and Drake. If your team is really bad, you could always go with Cry me a Rivers, midseason. Especially if you do happen to draft Philip Rivers as your starting QB.

4. Do embrace your womanhood… I’m not talking about the Wentz/Jared nonsense. But let’s go there. Our pregnant friend chose Defeating for Two as her name. Another one chose Legion of Womb (again, she was prego) in honor of the Legion of Boom, the Seahawks’ notorious defensive backs. Or try something a little tongue in cheek like You Just Got Beat by a Gurley Girl, in honor of Rams RB Todd Gurley, especially if you’re in a coed league. They might automatically think you “Play Fantasy Like A Girl,” but in our book, that’s a very good thing. And at least you’re giving them fair warning that you’re about to kick their butts.

5. If all else fails, do not be afraid to try a Random Name Generator. I tried the one below and it gave me Brady Quinn Medicine Woman, which I thought was pretty damn good.

Did you come up with the perfect name and can’t wait to share? Still having trouble with your Fantasy League name? Tweet us. We’re here to cheer and to help.


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