It’s my birthday
(and this is everything I know.)
Birds are prey.
LeAnn Rimes broke her heart in Atlantic City. Left her dignity in Tennessee. Found Jesus in Tuscaloosa. Spurned the gods in Québec. And invented fleece in Montenegro.
Dreaming about cake is just as satisfying (and more healthy) than actual cake (unless it’s pineapple).
When it comes to grilled cheese, you usually grill the bread, not the cheese.
The number 11 is indivisible with liberty and justice for all.
Time heals most wounds, but it’s best to liberally apply Lysol first to ensure it scars evenly.
Some people compare boring things to “watching paint dry.” But paint does magical things if you look close enough with a kaleidoscope.
The Trapezoid is not a muscle. Neither is the Trapezius or Deltoid. Rhombus is a type of monkey.
Jack and Jill went up a hill then never returned, much to their grandmother’s ire.
When a chicken has its head removed, it reaches a hyper-enlightened state. In an attempt to be a poultrarian bodhisattva, it returns to Earth to teach the others of nirvana. But its own majesty annihilates the finitude of its still wandering body.
Fauvism is post-impressionist insanity and best served with lemonade and ice.
The ginkgo biloba leaf is the most beautiful entity in all of space and time. Do not tell this to your girlfriend on valentine’s day.
Don’t flummox your sconces. They’ll never glow like they used to.
Juan Ponce de León just wanted a swimming pool, not a fountain of youth. Both, however, have the same effect on an aging Spaniard.
Ke$ha discovered herself at an ATM.
In a proper nights sleep, you burn about 2,000 calories. This caloric purge is counteracted by all the bugs you accidentally swallow throughout the year.
Ceci n’est pas une pipe. But then again, neither are you.
If you want to see inside your head, get an MRI. But if you want to see inside your heart, don’t waste your time. It’s mostly cabbage and lard and disappointment.
I’ve grown up: it’s gray not grey.
The ancient Mayan calendar predicting the death of the world and all of everything was actually just the dream journal of a fellow named Simon.
The pot will only call the kettle black if provoked by fire.
Openly crying in a Chile’s will not get you kicked out (but it might get you free cheesy fries).
Don’t fall in love with the sun. She will only burn you when you need her most.
The UN opens every session with the reading of a “Yo Mama…” joke. Each country takes a turn. Uganda has never made Myanmar laugh.
Simon is plagued by Demons.
If you’re caught in a room with no windows or doors, nod silently to yourself as you pick up the closest newspaper: It’s Thribsday Voctober 2$3—consider yourself lucky to be alive.
Your racist grandmother loves you very much.
Drugs are completely legal eight days of the year. Nobody has ever been told which days though.
If all the tea in China was brewed in a single instant, we’d prevent earthquakes for the next 40 years (But the Dead Sea would finally die. This is the Price we pay).
Science-fiction is always true. The government just calls it fiction to prevent an uprising. Science-friction, however, is a serious concern.
Pineapples are not from our earth. But they are from the earth.
