Nacho Cheese is the Best Dorito Flavor and I’ll Fight You About It
Dorito snob Charles Riggs cleans off his dusty Dorito fingers to break down the obvious reasons why Nacho Cheese Doritos are better than Cool Ranch Doritos.
Pick a Side
There’s a divide in America. A red versus blue clash spanning generations and ripping families apart at the seams. This partisan battle forces uncles and aunts, nieces and nephews, cousins and siblings, to choose a side, and it better not be the wrong side. Because for both parties, there is only one correct answer:
“Our” side.
American society is in a culture war, and I’m a fervent soldier neck-deep in the trenches, prepared to do battle in any arena at any moment. For me, this isn’t about the “now.” This is about the future.
This is about ensuring my children’s children’s children can grow old in a country where its citizens understand one absolute truth:
The heavenly red bag Nacho Cheese Doritos is superior in every way to the dastardly blue bag Cool Ranch Doritos.
Read on and find out why below.
Nacho Cheese is the OG
As a Dorito scholar, the story of America’s favorite chips isn’t lost on me. I’m acutely aware of Nacho Chesse’s splendor and meteoric rise. I am a witness.
But, for those who aren’t aware, Doritos were launched as a lowly tortilla chip in 1966 by Frito-Lay executive Arch West. Doritos’ first flavor was “Taco,” which quickly took a back seat in 1972 when Nacho Cheese Doritos were introduced.
Fourteen years later, in 1986, Cool Ranch arrived, and not long after, the first battles in the never-ending Dorito war kicked off.
As a zealot and a firm Nacho Cheese supporter, let me tell you one thing that’s forever eternal: Nacho Cheese is superior and Nacho Cheese is chill.
Nacho Cheese Is Less Aggressive
Nacho Cheese Doritos don’t stomp on my taste buds like they’re in an alleyway street brawl. Eating Cool Ranch is like getting your palate scraped over acid-soaked barbed wire, while eating Nacho Cheese Doritos is like a smooth walk on a lovely summer day.
Cool Ranch jolts you awake with an aggressive flavor that’s only pleasing for a few chips. It’s impossible to eat more than five without my leg jittering and my eye twitching. They’re like a Red Bull in the shape of a triangular tortilla chip.
If I could ask Cool Ranch Doritos a question, I’d ask: “why are you trying to fight my tongue, bro?” And they’d likely answer: “F*** off, bro, we hate your tongue, that’s why we punch and kick it.”
Cool Ranch is rude, and it tastes like a brothy, savory, sour candy. This leads me to my next point:
Cool Ranch Doesn’t Taste Like Ranch
It’s difficult to explain what Cool Ranch Doritos taste like, but I do know one thing, it’s not ranch. It is hard to fathom how the geniuses who brilliantly created the aptly named Nacho Cheese Doritos could drop the ball on naming Cool Ranch Doritos, but they did.
Are Americans so cuckoo for ranch that we’d devour any chip with “ranch” in the product title? I don’t see any snacks named after ketchup or mustard. Why does ranch have a stranglehold on the American psyche?
Any discerning tongue with courage would taste a Cool Ranch Dorito and curse the marketers for naming this chip something just to get clicks.
Name the chip “Cool Spice Dorito” or “Crazy Cool Dorito.” But, don’t trick the fragile American public just so they buy your poorly named chip — shame on you, Cool Ranch.
Maybe Cool Ranch’s dirty tricks are what caused some of the most notable tastemakers in modern history to leave Cool Ranch at the proverbial altar for Nacho Cheese.
Taco Bell Experts gave Nacho Cheese the Nod
In 2012, the fortune of millions of Americans changed when Taco Bell debuted the original Doritos Locos Taco. I still remember where I was when I had my first bite. It’s too personal to share in print.
The mega minds who roam the hallways at Taco Bell headquarters knew they had one shot at hooking their consumers.
When push came to shove, did Taco Bell hitch their wagon to a polarizing hot head that roughs taste buds up and works alone? Or did they rely on refined flavor that pairs well with any dish?
We all know the answer to that.
(side note: Taco Bell eventually introduced a Cool Ranch Doritos Locos taco, but it is now discontinued. Further proof of Nacho Cheese superiority).
Nacho Cheese Pairs Better with Food
Cool Ranch Doritos don’t go with anything. They stand alone. Too powerful to team with any delicious dish, I don’t want my sandwich to play second fiddle to a chip that won’t depart my tongue.
Meanwhile, Nacho Cheese goes with any food pairing that calls for crunchy chips, painting a tasty masterpiece on your taste buds.
Sandwiches, burgers, hot dogs, you name it, Nacho Cheese belongs.
Cool Ranch is for Kids
I’m an adult. When I eat Nacho Cheese Doritos, I do it with a tall glass of red wine, some alternative jazz playing, and the latest copy of the New York Times.
I imagine Cool Ranch believers as snot-nosed kids with nose pinchers and elbow floaties who eat their chips in the pool. Not cool, Kyle.
I have a refined, sophisticated palate steeped in years of trial and error. I know a sound chip when I taste it, and Nacho Cheese is excellent.
There are two Americas. One that believes in aggression and one that believes in balance. One that believes in lies and one that believes in truth. One that believes in Blue and one that believes in Red. One that believes in Nacho Cheese and one that believes in Cool Ranch. One that believes in right and one that believes in wrong.
Which side will you choose?
