No Strings Attached: Navigating Friends With Benefits Relationships
Erin Sawyer, a college student at UNR, reports that involving sex with friendships can add strain on those relationships. She investigates the popularity behind ‘FWB’ while also using her own experiences and research to give advice on setting boundaries and keeping friendships healthy while still being able to be intimate when the time is right.
We’re Just Having Fun- Friends with Benefits
You’re hanging out with your friends and you start feeling the drinks when you notice that one friend in particular is getting flirty, and he isn’t looking too bad in his button up shirt. You switch seats with your other friend so that you can catch up a little and have another drink or two. Next thing you know, you’re having breakfast at his place in his shirt from the night before and you don’t know where your friendship stands.
It is totally normal for friends to find themselves in these situations where they are feeling sexually attracted to each other, especially when they are always spending time together, whether platonically or sexually, and even more so when alcohol is involved. I made a Google Survey which I had sent to a few of my friends, and it turns out 86% of them had been in an “intimate relationship with a friend.”
Friends with Benefits, or “FWB”, are two people who occasionally engage in casual sexual activity without actually having to commit to a relationship with that person. It is very popular among people who might have commitment issues or just don’t want the extra strings attached.
I am 21, originally from Las Vegas, Nevada. I was not part of one of those groups of friends who had known each other since kindergarten though. I’ve always been a strong-headed extrovert and I usually tend to surround myself with those types of people as well.
When I moved to Reno to go to school, that changed. I was a lot more independent and had a lot of boys flirting with me, so I would say I have a lot more male friends now compared to when I was in high school. A few of them, I did and still do have FWBR with, but I have also had to stop these relations with others because feelings were getting involved and hurt or because it’s just not something either of us wanted anymore.
My survey asked a few questions to my peers about their experiences with FWBR, or their lack thereof. I posted the survey to my Instagram and Snapchat story for 24 hours and was able to get a total of 38 responses, of which 47% were female and 53% were male. I will be mentioning the findings of the data throughout this article to provide additional outside advice and information on others’ experiences.
Data gathered by E. Sawyer
Motivators for Having FWB
It can be both exciting and nerve wracking to take this step in a friendship. It isn’t just a hookup or f*** buddy; it is someone you actually know and enjoy spending time with in other aspects of your life, not just sexually. It takes allowing yourself to be more vulnerable to someone while still maintaining a healthy friendship.
There can be many reasons why friends would want to hook up with each other, but a few seem to be most common among those in FWB relationships.
Just Sex
The most common reason for having a FWB relationship is because, well, people get horny. In fact, people in these relationships have described it as a “fun” and “exciting” way to hang out with someone you’re sexually attracted to. There are some people who “don’t believe in meaningless sex,” while others “believe it releases stress and everything else that bothers us [while giving] us so much pleasure.”
Emotional Connection
Friends can also be on the hunt for a closer connection with someone they feel comfortable with. Still not as close as falling in love, but someone they can have more personal conversations with and have a mutual caring for each other. This motivation usually goes hand-in-hand with “rebounds”, but not always. It is normal to be lonely, and it is even more normal to not want to feel that way. “[Friends with benefits] allows everyone to stay comfortable. I know of a lot of friendships [among other friends] that got ruined because one person was attracted to another but didn’t feel they could openly speak on those feelings,” said an anonymous survey taker. However, it is important to remember that the other person may not be looking for a FWB with an emotional connection, so if that is something you want, it should be expressed clearly to their understanding.
Relationship simplicity
The most appealing part of FWB is not having to deal with all the heartache and trauma that might come along with relationships, which are not for everyone. FWBR make leave the stress out of the equation and create a fun and carefree experience for both friends.
“Having a person you can just go to for sex and good conversation is so much less stressful than a full blown relationship.” — Alejandro S.
Having no strings attached is the main reason as to why FWB are so popular. However, when I asked if feelings had gotten involved later in the relationship, about 40% said yes.
Advantages
There can be a lot of perks that come with having a FWBR. It takes out the stress of a relationship and can create better bonds within the friendship. It can do something different for each party involved.
Having a FWB makes it easy for you to have a little more fun with a friend without the added stress a relationship might bring to you. It can also be fun to have a secret only you and your friend know about.
High Sex Drive, Low Expectations
It is always nice being able to rely on that one friend to come over after poker night without having to rely on them to clean the kitchen or pick up their dirty clothes or make it on time to your family dinner next week.
In relationships, couples have expectations of each other which can lead to a lot of strain and arguing. This can be a sign that relationships are something that you shouldn’t be involved in at that moment, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop satisfying your sexual needs.
Trust and Connection
Before you even engage in this type of relationship you should ask yourself if you trust the person you are thinking about becoming intimate with and if you have a genuine connection with each other. You want to make sure that you have trust built with each other, usually because these types of relationships are secretive.
Faydelity Belcher stated that when she is “with a group of friends [she’s] really vocal and wants to make sure everyone is included and laughs. [She’s] very much a people person, but when with someone in private, [she] feels less judged and able to express a side of [herself] no one [really knows about]; [She’s] able to become more leveled.”
Sexual Bonus
Obviously, the biggest advantage of this relationship are the “benefits” that go along with it. Unlike one night stands and hookups, you can count on your FWB to be there for you when you really,really, really need them.
There are other variables that go along with being intimate with someone such as comfortability and privacy, which should be discussed and communicated to each other so that each of you have an understanding of what will and will not be happening in your FWB relationship. When asked what one of their favorite aspects of FWB relations were, an anonymous post stated that “it feels safer than having sex with strangers.”
Disadvantages
Along with the advantages are the disadvantages. It is always important to understand the risks that come along with engaging in a FWB relationship before doing so because you might realize that it isn’t something you’re interested in and it’s also important to know that a lot can happen within these types of relationships that can affect the platonic friendship.
Without effective communication and boundaries, it can become awkward for those in FWBR and it can take a toll on the platonic relationship.
Different Wants and Needs
Each person is different and each person has their own likes and dislikes and it can be hard to find someone who is on the same page as you. You might be looking for someone who doesn’t want a lot of attention or to spend too much time alone together, which is great, but you shouldn’t be engaging in FWBR with friends who might be looking for a more stable relationship that could turn into something more with time.
Being clear on where you want the relationship to go is the best way to satisfy each other’s needs, but it can be hard to find someone who shares those same wants and needs with you.
When Feelings get Involved, They get Hurt
When feelings become involved in the FWB relationship, there are really only two things that could happen: A) feelings are talked about and it goes good and you both look forward to continuing the FWBR, or B), feelings are talked about and it goes terribly and the relationship ends, with the person with more feelings usually being more hurt than the other.
If you’re really close to the friend that you start something up with then I think it can change the dynamic of your friendship forever so it may not be the best idea to get involved with someone that you’re close with — ANONYMOUS
It can be very hard to keep a friendship going after feelings become a factor. It can make the dynamic more awkward and less easy-going under these circumstances.
Loosing a Friend
Probably the worst thing that could happen is that you lose that friendship as a whole. This can happen over a number of reasons: jealousy, miscommunication, boredom. It could be so easily avoided if expectations were set and communication was valued more.
When asked if friendships were still intact after the benefits were removed from the equation, 36% said “no”, while 32% said “yes.” The remaining 32% consisted of responses like “we don’t talk much anymore but still support each other,” and “depending on the wishes from the others individually”. One response actually stated that the FWB pushed them further into a romantic relationship. Basically, you don’t know where a FWB relationship will take your overall friendship, but it is important to consider that it could completely decimate it.
Tips
Here are some tips that should be considered both before and while engaging in a FWBR that I like to keep in mind for myself.
Creating Boundaries
Before you start engaging in these relationships, boundaries and expectations of each other should be set. This doesn’t mean you have to write up some contract stating what you will and won’t do and what will or will not happen if other people find out. It is just a simple conversation between you and the other friend. When I asked if a FWBR was a healthy relationship to have, three different responses stated that in order to make them healthy, the friends had to engage in effective communication and setting rules and boundaries.
Communication is a very important ingredient in FWBR, in fact its important in all relationships. Without effective communication, drama and conflict can cause tensions and strain, not just between the two friends, but the people around them they might also be friends with.
The most important aspect of the FWBs is the “FRIENDS” part. It’s important to remember that each person in this dynamic is NOT just another name on the other person’s roster.- Anonymous
Prioritize your Safety and Comfortability
If you don’t feel comfortable or safe in a FWB relationship, then that needs to be prioritized right when you start feeling threatened. Sometimes, friends can get a little too carried away without realizing it because of their comfortability with each other. This doesn’t mean that these behaviors should be accepted or ignored.
I was in a FWBR that was nice at first, but once we became closure, he would do things that would make me uncomfortable both privately and publicly when we were out with our friends. I made the mistake of keep that feeling to myself and it caused me a lot of stress and later made me lash out on my friend when he did something I hadn’t communicated I disliked. I now know that if I feel this way again that I need to address it with them in order to still allow us to both get what we want from the relationship.
When to Avoid
You might be reading this and thinking, “Oh my god, people have sex with their friends?!” Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean you have to. This is a type of relationship that is somewhat exploratory and it takes a certain individual to want to engage. In my survey, I had asked anyone who didn’t engage in any FWBR what their personal reasons were for not doing so. An anonymous user stated: “If you want to just hook up you could easily find that with someone else instead of picking someone close to you that could easily complicate a lot of things in your life.”
Having friends with benefits is a way for friends to feel more vulnerable and comfortable with each other while also having someone to rely on when it hits “horny hour.” However, considering all of the possibilities of that extended relationship is essential to keeping your platonic relationship healthy.
It’s also important to remember that if you don’t want this type of relationship, then you don’t have to. Respectfully declining a friend or keeping your sexual thoughts about a friend won’t do any harm to your friendship.
