What To Do When Your Best Friend Gets Another Best Friend
Mia Wood reports on best friends who aren’t always forever. A journalism student minoring in psychology with her own lived experiences, she looks into why female friendships fall out, how to set boundaries, and what to do when you feel like your best friend is replacing you.
Friendship Breakups — Why Best Friends Aren’t Always Forever
The trajectory of the typical American female friendship is unpredictable. We all know how people change, grow up, and grow apart, but we don’t always know the turning point of when everyone’s favorite pair of best friends became strangers to each other.
I’ve seen these situations in circles of my own and in celebrities too. In 2010, Taylor Swift was called out by Demi Lovato for “ruining” her friendship with Selena Gomez. Seeing her public vulnerability to this occurrence throughout the years shows how much these circumstances can affect a person.
Competition or distance are two of the main factors I’ve observed in friendship breakups of my own and in other pairs of friends as well.
Girls tend to see each other as competition. Maybe their friend is more conventionally attractive, more popular, more funny, etc. Believe me, I’ve been one to start conflict before in a friendship because I was jealous. I have also compared myself to their new best friend and wondered what makes them more fun to hang out with than me.
On my Spotify podcast, The Mia Wood Show, I have an episode about overcoming being “the friend,” which is meant to shine a light on those who have ever felt second best to their best friend. The episode highlights a relatable, first-person perspective about the insecurities of being less popular and generally feeling less desirable than your best friend, and how to get rid of that feeling.
Above, a visual for Wood’s referred podcast episode you can listen to here: [Overcoming being “the friend”]
Tricky Long Distance Relationships
In addition to competition, distance is another reason why some friendships crumble.
FaceTime and social media aren’t always enough to save a long distance friendship. My best friend from elementary school and middle school in Las Vegas moved to North Dakota after our eighth grade year and we have not talked in years.
It was easy to keep in touch for a while, but life got in the way. I’ve isolated some people from my hometown, Las Vegas, since I’ve been in college in Reno. The relationship between one of my best friends and I, who is still my best friend to this day, was distant from time to time simply because we went to different high schools and colleges, so we inevitably had different groups of friends. Proximity has a lot to do with how we choose our friends and if we choose to keep them.
A woman studying at the University of Nevada, Reno, who shall remain anonymous, opened up about a situation where she was “backstabbed” by someone she considered a best friend.
Going to college was supposed to be fun for this anonymous interviewee. In Fall 2020, she bonded closely with one of her dorm suitemates– so close they signed an apartment lease together with another friend of theirs. Things went downhill before move-in even started.
Her suitemate, Friend A, began to act flakey. Some days Friend A would ignore her, and other days she would talk to anonymous like they were best friends. “Once the Fall 2021 semester started, I made some new friends who I felt really liked me and was excited to continue getting to know them,” anonymous said. “Friend A became jealous of the life I was experiencing, despite my constant efforts to include everyone in the activities.”
Anonymous and Friend A lived together all year long but rarely said words to one another after their feud.
The anonymous interviewee met Friend B that year and they did everything together. She said, “Friend B and I planned to live together as well, just like Friend A.” Somehow, things took a turn as her worst nightmare came true. A movie could be made out of this storyline. “Friend A and Friend B became best friends. Ironic, right? But that’s life.” Friend B signed a lease with the anonymous interviewee’s old roommates after breaking their upcoming 2x2 lease unexpectedly.
“I don’t want to have hatred towards Friend A and Friend B, but I feel hurt by the events that transpired. Even though these things happened and these people are no longer in my life, I think it happened for a reason. If I hadn’t met Friend A or Friend B, my current friends would not be in my life, those laughs wouldn’t have been shared, and those memories wouldn’t have been made. I am thankful for the life lessons, even though I still don’t understand why things happened the way they did.” — Anonymous Interviewee
Different Types of Friendships
Trying to save a friendship solely because of the amount of years or experiences spent together may seem valid at first, and maybe even worth a try, but holding onto that weight won’t necessarily make you stronger.
Not everyone can conform to the bounds of one friend group, or even one friend. It’s a big world with so many different people. Expecting yourself or your best friend to never get out there and click with more people is unrealistic.
Being part of multiple social groups is perfectly okay. Groups of friends can generally be separated into brackets such as school, work, sports, club, church, social media, partying, and family friends.
I have friends within these categories myself, but I understand the frustration and jealousy that one can get from seeing their best friend start to get close to someone else outside of their usual clique.
As someone who has rolled with different crowds throughout the years from school, cheerleading, church, etc., my advice to someone feeling jealous about their best friend seeming to enjoy another person’s company over their own is to put themselves in the other person’s shoes.
You would not enjoy feeling controlled by the weight of someone who isn’t okay with your individuality. Having a variety of people close enough to lean on in different settings is human. Wanting them all to yourself is selfish and projects that you don’t feel capable of doing what they’re doing. It is also a sign that you are codependent and reliant on your best friend to keep you entertained and reassured.
People naturally express different parts of themselves with different people, so don’t feel offended if they cannot give you 100% of themself 100% of the time. Oftentimes, the friend that is out getting close to a new friend or group of friends has no negative feelings towards you at all, but the situation can snowball out of proportion, which is when resentment strikes.
Having space from each other and a diversity of social groups will pull experiences from their varied lives to show you more knowledge and skills that you normally wouldn’t have.
Research & Statistics
A strong friendship ending between two girls is a radical loss, and it is not looked into as much as the end of a romantic relationship. No one, not even myself, likes to advertise the fact that they have been found unworthy by a friend and ditched for another.
In addition to being a journalism major, I have a minor in psychology, and the most insightful psychology class I took was about personality. It fused together psychology and sociology to dive deeper into why people act they way they do and why they make certain decisions socially. Having this knowledge made collecting data about female friendships more amusing.
I conducted a poll on Instagram and 82% of participating Gen Z women in Reno have experienced their best friend leaving them for another best friend.
Clinical psychologist and friendship expert, Miriam Kirmayer, studies the tiers of friendship and provides advice gathered from results in her research. Dr. Kirmayer once said, “Our friendships and our need for connection is actually one of the strongest predictors of how happy and healthy we are and how long we live.” She comments on the importance of social competence, which is the ability to engage in meaningful interactions with others, and why some people are lacking.
When it comes to competency during a conflict between two close, same-gendered friends, Dr. Kirmayer says, “the right action in the wrong circumstances is not competent. Given that situation shapes both how people behave and others’ perceptions of those actions, the most meaningful information about interpersonal effectiveness will be gleaned by assessing how competently someone manages specific, critical interpersonal situations.”
In Dr. Kirmayer’s 2021 research article, “Initial Development of a Situation-based Measure of Emerging Adults’ Social Competence in their Same-gender Friendships,” she conducted five studies with undergraduate women participants. The article describes the development of an assessment for emerging adults’ social competence with same-gender friends, which provides information about challenges in a friendship, the behaviors used to manage these situations, and the perceived effectiveness of these strategies.
Setting Boundaries
Someone who is codependent has an unhealthy dependence on at least one relationship in their life. They have a fear of abandonment and will do anything to hold onto that person. Like romantic relationships, friendships need rules, trust, and boundaries to avoid these unhealthy attachment styles.
The relationship between two best friends, especially women, needs clear communication to know what the other person is or is not okay with. One specific boundary I believe is really important that I wish I implemented more in my life is the reassurance of hierarchy. This means that the two friends mutually agree that they are each other’s best friend and that a third party shall not interfere with that title. I know the harrowing feeling of when my best friend and someone else call each other best friends, which is where the drama often begins. Setting this boundary makes where your friendship stands clear and secure.
A true friend would respect the wishes and sentiments of their favorite person. It’s okay for friends to ask for space, or ask for company in a time of need. There are a few common boundaries to avoid discontent from either party. Try not to overly communicate via text or in person. Too much of one thing is never a good thing, and spending too much time invested in one another will create codependency issues. Don’t dismiss your individuality and “me time.”
Respect their physical, spiritual/religious, financial, and time boundaries as well.
If you find yourself upset that your best friend is starting to become best friends with someone else, the best option is to address it. Restate your boundaries and your own wishes because friendship is a two-way street. This way, she will at least know where your mind is at and surprisingly respect you more for communicating that to her, even if you are still growing apart.
Unfortunately, these boundaries are not always adhered to by your bestie. This person might not show as much interest in your life and they put seemingly less effort into this relationship. Part of having respect and boundaries is also acceptance. Unless you’re a hypnotist or a groundbreaking psychiatrist, you cannot change a person. After a certain point of setting boundaries and communicating your feelings, you need to accept that you might not be their biggest priority or in their best interest.
What if They Like Their Other Best Friend More Than Me?
At this point, you have tried everything between communicating, giving space, and setting boundaries, but jealousy and dynamic imbalance is still prevalent.
It is really crucial to watch your behavior and actions while the rush of jealousy and feeling of betrayal runs through your mind. What goes around comes around, so discussing these emotions with someone in the heat of the moment might feel good, but that person you think you can trust might switch up too. I suggest talking to a therapist who can give you professional advice and be sworn to confidentiality.
People who have gone to therapy know that it may take a process of trial and error to find the right therapist, but you will soon learn to cope with the stress, insecurities, and unhealthy habits that your rocky friendship caused you.
Though being petty is easy (and way more fun), remaining poised and classy will earn you more respect from your ex-best friend. Allow them to hang out with their new friend and detach from your old codependent relationship.
Plus, just because you’re not best friends anymore doesn’t mean there has to be animosity, and let everything you’ve been through together go. Eventually, you should talk it out with her and accept that the dynamic is not what it used to be, and that’s okay. Your long past with her doesn’t need to negatively affect your own future. There’s a world of people who will serve you a purpose and make you feel worthy. After all, you wouldn’t want to be best friends with someone who doesn’t want to be best friends with you.
