Because I’m Happy
Looking forward, leaving the past behind.
I have decided to apply a new life philosophy. I am going to be happy.
There’s been a lot of negativity in my life recently with COVID, quarantine, and messy relationships. And I have decided that here and now I am going to take action. One step at a time.
Other people’s opinions have been holding me back. I feel that I’ve lived under the shadow of judgment, and I have had enough. I am a new changed woman. Why? Because I have decided to be.
It’s as simple as that. Nothing can stop me but myself. I’ve been so concerned trying to get someone to take me back, to accept me.
But in doing so, I was trying to change myself to be something I’m not. And if that person can’t accept me how I am, then that is their problem.
So here’s to everyone dealing with heartbreak. Here’s to those who think they won’t be whole again. Here’s to all the beautiful broken people.
You will heal again.
It has been eight months since my breakup. I kept going, I tried to move on, but now that I am in the same city as my ex, all the old feelings came flooding back. These last couple months in quarantine have been particularly hard because I have had more than enough time to think about her.
And of trying to get closure after not speaking with her for months and months. Thanks to advice from the truest of friends, I am grappling with the fact that sometimes you don’t get closure. And in order to move on, you must accept this.
I cannot reopen the doors to the past and find a clean happy ending to our relationship.
It was messy. That’s why it hurt so much. And that’s something that I just have to live with. I’ve used every coping mechanism I can think of. I made playlists, listened to music to help me move on. I wrote in all of my journals. I talked to friends and family for their advice and comfort. I even wrote and performed a theater piece about it.
So why is it that, eight months later, I am still hurting?
One of life’s greatest mysteries is how long does it take to move on. It varies by person, but do you ever wonder if it’s taking you an extraordinarily longer time to get over it than other people?
I do.
The global pandemic has given me a lot of time to think and reflect. One of the main takeaways: life is too goddamn short to waste your energy thinking about people who don’t give a shit about you.
What needs to be done: put on your favorite feel good playlist, and go on a run. Do some yoga. Go biking. Meditate. Talk with your friends. Spend your energy doing things good for your mind and body. Be kind to yourself.
You know what’s not being kind to yourself? It’s obsessing over someone you will never have a relationship with again. It’s listening to your breakup playlist before you go to bed every night fully knowing that it will make you sad. It’s talking about, writing about, bitching about that person, letting them consume your thoughts and energy.
So I have made the decision here and now to stop, look at myself and ask: are you happy with yourself and how you are spending your time?
Because I can choose to be productive, read, write, and talk with friends. Or I can obsess. When you don’t have a job and can’t get a job, your thoughts can make or break you.
I am bipolar. I take medication so I don’t have racing negative thoughts. But I also make the conscious decision to check in with myself. When I find my thoughts drifting back to her, you know what I do? I acknowledge the thought, and then I remind myself of something really positive in my life.
Something that makes me smile.
Life is too short for all the drama and bullshit. We need to live intentionally, with purpose, and moving forward. It does not do to dwell too much on the past or the what ifs.
