Not Buying “The Diary of Alicia Keys” Made Me Realize My Own Double Standards
The Riff Album Challenge made me confront my own shame
I’m a guy, so why should I listen to a woman’s record? That was me talking in my pre-teen years, shallow and stupid.
For my first day with The Riff, I am so glad to jump on this Riff Album Challenge bandwagon. Mostly because it made me realize the double standard that is innate in me, and maybe in you, too.
When I first read of Noah’s prompt to look back at an album that touched you, I wished that I could share being excited about Pearl Jam’s Ten or Nirvana’s Nevermind but no — I was still in utero (pun intended, and happy belated birthday Kurt) when those albums were released. So I did not grow up anticipating those records. But I so wanted to rave about them because talking about them would make me look cool.
However, the very first album that made me realize that I worship music is The Diary of Alicia Keys. But I revered it in secret. Because I was a young boy, I was hesitant to admit that I liked a record released by a woman. I thought that my interests should be of that of a boy’s.
Alicia’s “Fallin” predates The Diary but it was the song that made me fall in love with her. Every time it was on the FM radio, I had to sing along but only in my head. I did not know what blues or jazz was but I loved the way the song made me feel. So I was so ecstatic when I learned that a second album was set to release.
On the month of the release, I’d join my Nanay at the mall and while she did her grocery shopping, I’d visit this small shelf of CDs to gaze at this very pretty woman whose entire half is covered by a piano. I vowed to myself that I would marry this beautiful lady. Ahh — the wishful thinking of an eleven-year-old. The memory is so vivid because the album was out in December and the mall was beautifully adorned with Christmas decors. I could either ask my Nanay for the album as a Christmas present or save my aguinaldos and buy it myself. Still, my innate double standards prevented me from purchasing.
Instead, I’d wait for “Karma” and ‘If I Ain’t Got You” on the radio and listen to them in solitude. I’d even go to a computer shop and rent the most isolated desktop to look up the videos on Youtube. Complete bliss! I celebrated Alicia’s Grammy wins by myself wishing that I know someone else who shares the same love of her music.
I grew up like that. I told people that I liked punk and grunge and everything rock-and-roll. While that is true because I really like noise, I concealed the fact that I also loved Alicia Keys. It was as if I’ll be vulnerable if I tell people that I like a woman’s record. I felt like my friends who liked bands would turn their backs on me if they knew. But time passed and I would never know.
What I learned as an adult is that I don’t need people’s validation. Music similar to Alicia’s is so soulful that it has the power to heal an aching spirit. While I drown myself with noise to distract myself from certain thoughts, Alicia’s piano and vocals are soothing and comforting.
Imagine the amount of music we’d miss if we keep on complying to double standards. Imagine the number of connections to art that we’d lose because we force ourselves to connect to other works.
So I said a resounding “amen” when my new friend and The Riff editor Noah Levy wrote, “A Million Reasons Why I Love Lady Gaga.”
Because why should a man be limited to “manly” records? Where is the shame of listening to otherworldly music regardless of gender or genre?
I listen to music because, like Moana’s light that shines on the sea, it calls me. Let’s make this normal.
