How to Prevent Misunderstandings

3 steps to help build a bridge back to one another

Illustrated by author (Vrindavan Rao)

I was sitting in a yellow New York City cab on the verge of tears. My husband had just picked me up from LaGuardia Airport after a miserable day of travel. What should have been a one-hour flight had turned into a six-hour saga of cancellations and delays.

I had expected a warm welcome, a snack upon my arrival, and a plan to go out somewhere nice to eat. I had received the welcome, but not the snack. With a complete lack of awareness as to how it would land, I expressed my disappointment (read: displeasure), completely oblivious to my harsh tone.

Abruptly, the tenure of the conversation shifted.

I was so caught up in my suffering, that there was little space to consider what my husband had gone through that day. As he began to share about his challenges and exhaustion, I felt simultaneously guilty and misunderstood.

I had wanted understanding, despite my childish behavior. Instead, I was abruptly pulled out of my bubble of self-absorption which left me feeling annoyed (Why are you making this about you!?), and ashamed (Wow, I didn’t realize you also had a long day.).

Understanding one another, in any relationship, is a challenge because our, insecurities, perspectives, and inner narratives tend to keep us enmeshed in our ego patterns.

It’s those patterns that divide and increase the distance between one another. What we require in these times is a bridge to help close the distance, or in other words, help break the pattern.

There may be many ways to create that bridge, but these are three steps that I’ve found to be extremely helpful.

1. Ask questions. We often rely on our subjective, emotional experience to provide ourselves answers that we should ask the other. For example, rather than launching into my demands, it would have been helpful if I had taken the time to ask how my husband’s day had been. Instead, I had assumed his day had been wonderful! When we ask, we come closer to a place of truth that starts to form a sound foundation for a bridge.
2. Listen deeply. To do so, we need to ensure we are in a place to receive with openness. What we may hear might contradict our inner experience and we may be tempted to interrupt. Instead of interrupting, make a mental or physical note of that point and continue listening. By continuing to listen, your query or point of contention might be answered organically.
3. Ask more questions. We rarely question our inner experiences, and because of that, it can prevent us from being curious as to the other person’s experience. When we ask more questions, it forces us to experience the other side and pulls us out of our subjective experience. To do so requires patience with ourselves and others.

As you can imagine, implementing these three steps amid a potential misunderstanding is extremely difficult. That’s why practicing these steps in simple conversations is essential. It helps us to build the capacity to turn to them when we’re experiencing intense emotions.

That’s what creates the solid foundation we need in building the bridge back to one another.