Love-Life or Ph.D.-Life: How to balance both !!!

“A word of encouragement from a teacher to a child can change a life. A word of encouragement from a spouse can save a marriage. A word of encouragement from a leader can inspire a person to reach her potential”- John C. Maxwell

In our life, parents and teachers play a vital role. In bad times, they always stand by our side and encourage us to be patient and determined. A person completes his post graduation with an approx. age of 24–25. Then they plan for Ph.D., going under the knife of entrance examinations and interviews. After all struggles, they get through reputed institution making their parents proud and happy. But they are not aware that what looks exciting and fascinating is full of struggles, uncertainty, and discouragement. Just like a “roller coaster ride”.

Marriage & Ph.D.

Martin Luther has said, “ There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communication or company than a good marriage ”.

Marriages are made in heaven but nurtured on earth. A good bonding, love, and understanding is key to a successful marriage. It gives you power and patience to bear all pain and to be determined. I believe that’s the push required to go through the roller coaster ride. Getting married during Ph.D. is a big challenge in a person’s life. Facing challenges of salary, fewer leaves, time demanding research, insecure future, impressing parents & relatives, long-distance relationship, fulfilling spouse dreams and more. That’s a package full of responsibilities.

Years pass by doing course works, planning Ph.D. topic, submitting a synopsis and “impressing guide”. Moreover, age and marriage is always “talk of the town” in Indian society. Girls above 28 years are looked up with squinted eyes. Girl’s kundali, character or looks are blamed if they are not getting married. It is difficult to find boys after a certain age of the girl. After marriage, they are pressurized to have a child. But who cares about the girl’s passion. Let’s explore some of the challenges in detail which people face during this war phase.

Love Marriage or Arrange marriage !!

Getting married to someone you know adds advantage to your life as she understands you, your passion, nature, and ambition. You do not need to spend much time in understanding each other as we expect in an arranged marriage. In an arranged marriage, finding the right fit is quite a challenge as you are judged by your low income, long Ph.D. completion time, your confidence (which is obviously low at that time). It requires more time to understand each other and for some, it’s like another parallel Ph.D. Mood swings, travel, taking care of the spouse and his parents sometimes take a toll on the girl. This may lead to depression for girls because they are not able to give enough time to their family and that their first priority is their in-laws family. Many of them have to ultimately quit their Ph.D.

But if you have a good companion, these challenges can be overcome by courage, smile, and strength. He can make your struggle as smooth as possible.

Balance between guide expectation and spouse expectation

Even though your love-life is cherished, there is always an expectation from you. We are a social animal, we need to interact emotionally. Marriage comprises of expectations such as spending time together, taking small and big decisions of life, setting up house, trips, pleasing parents/in-laws, visiting relatives, etc. But all this needs time and money.

Time is the biggest issue with a research scholar as his guide expects more time in labs, staying up late; completing experiments on time, writing research articles.

Even though your mind is occupied with personal and financial problems, you still need to think about innovative research solutions.

Let’s talk about ‘Money’. Ph.D. pays so less (at least in India) that it is difficult to satisfy your marital desires. Fulfilling parents demand, family demands, excursions, relatives expectation is difficult. There are very less leaves as compared to other corporate jobs, also taking long leaves is always scrutinized by the guide.

A good life partner can help in healing through this. Also if both are working they can manage the financial issue. A working partner adds bonus as it helps you financially and also they can understand the work pressure one goes through. But the ultimate thing which adds comfort is your understanding and “patience” in a relationship.

Social Media pressure

The 21st century is an era governed by social media. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter have a powerful grip over our mind. We are always influenced by other’s social media posts. People are compared and judged based on their status on Facebook. Unlike, old days where people were least connected, now everything needs to be updated.

Every week you need to go out for lunch, dinner or some small excursion to post some pictures on social media and make other people understand that you are living a fun-filled adventurous life.

But a Ph.D. fellow can’t bear this due to focused life and time crunch. This creates a gap in a relationship as it disappoints your life partner that you are not giving enough time and attention to them. In-laws keep on questioning about the secured job and how much more struggle is required. But who knows that “you reap what you sow”, that the struggle of a person will give bright future, satisfaction, and appreciation later.

How to manage!?

Balancing life between marriage and Ph.D. is a challenge. You can’t ignore another person just because you want to do research. You need to be patient. Try to make immemorial moments from a small time. Always appreciate your spouse’s efforts and thank them for supporting you. Try to build trust in full-filling your common dreams. Be clear in communications and avoid excuses as it will worsen the relationship.

Try to invest scholarship properly to buy health insurance, fixed deposits, etc. so that you and your family are financially strong at the time of emergencies.

Give equal weight to your love and ambition as you are incomplete without either of them.

Never compare yourself with others, you might not know their reality. Never get hallucinated by social media as “all that glitters is not gold”. Love alone cannot feed you and money alone cannot make you live life. You need a blend of both. If you appreciate your spouse, your spouse will definitely encourage you to go with your dreams. “ A good husband makes a good wife”- John Florio.