The Latte Sipping Set
You’re not supposed to chug it. That’s the first rule about being part of The Latte Sipping Set. You can’t chug your coffee even though it’s coffee, and it’s tasty, and you need the caffeine. Ignore your weekday instincts that tell you to chug it like it’s water and you’ve just run a mile or five in the desert. Just don’t.
And don’t sprinkle things on it unnecessarily.
Well, okay, actually, that’s up to debate. You can add cinnamon with the confidence of an upscale restaurant’s sommelier but you can only add cinnamon (or a spice of your choosing) if you say it with such stalwart, unflinching reserve when you order it. Avoid eye contact with the self-reassurance that the barista is doing your bidding and not judging you for needing to add sugar-sweet-distraction to the bitterness of your drink. Specify you mean “dash” too with the worldliness of a grandparent who’s lived through WWII air raids and with the careless, self-possession of a fictional chain-smoking aunt.
Wait. Did you get that cup to go?
It actually doesn’t matter. The mug is nicer for taking any photos you may need, but if you got the mug, you’ll certainly have to hold off on the chugging rule. Because your time with that teeny cafe table starts in t-minus — right when you got your drink. And the awaiting laptop sitters that need the wifi and outlets or the soul Cycle sisters getting out of class and needing a good cose will just have to wait till every bubble of milk froth has dissipated from that fern-heart hybrid floating at the top of your cup. Sadly this also means cold coffee for you. But at least you’ll have nice photos and a table to sit at for a while.
Yeah we’re all drinking warm milk really. Think of it as a pie of the drink world. There’s a visually pleasant top layer, like your lattice crust or toasted crumbles. There’s a hearty filling, which in this case is warm milk of your choosing, but if it were a pie it could be chocolate pudding, or maybe banana custard, or even gloopy fruit things. And the bottom is either made better because that crust soaked up said gloopy fruit things or is sort of forgotten because we just wanted everything else.
I guess I’m admitting that I just like the warm milk portion of the latte. Yeah, we’re all just drinking really big cups of warm milk that will make us sleepy, and espresso which will counteract that. Both potions will duel inside my system possibly make me have to use the restroom too much and inevitably will keep me buoyed at the right degree of awake but not startlingly all over the the place.
Really though, if given the choice, you should opt for the to-go cup. It has a cover reminiscent of our toddler sippy drinking days which brings a nostalgic delight to this very adult experience, though it doesn’t necessarily help with the non chugging rule (it ain’t called The Latte Sipping Set for no reason). More importantly, it’s a cover. No one’s the wiser about how much coffee you have left in there. That’s your seat for all eternity as long as you continue to mime drinking coffee from that never emptying cup.
You just have to really sell it. Like don’t tip the empty cup of coffee into your mouth more than 90 degrees. That’s a dead giveaway for any young person in professional acting school that you’re a bad actor.
You threw it away though didn’t you?
That’s okay. It’s really an honor to your father and mother that you cleaned up after you were done with your beverage, but now you’re just a lemon sitting at the cafe without purpose, seemingly without purchase, and without that ever-so-adult accessory that is a coffee.
You might have to find something else to join. Maybe a book club? Or a gym?
