Believe Us, Hear Us

I remember coming home one evening, very angry about a catcalling incident (one of so many). About 3 blocks from my apartment an older man leered at me as we passed on the sidewalk and said, “…nice curls” in a tone that left me feeling both disgusting and threatened (and I don’t often feel physically threatened by these passing remarks).

Maybe I wouldn’t even remember this incident except I came home to my then-boyfriend and recounted it to him, expecting sympathy. Instead he tried to tell me I shouldn’t see such negativity in the world. How did I know this wasn’t meant as a compliment? Apparently I was choosing to turn this experience into something angry, when I could have chosen to see this man in a better light.

As women we aren’t often given choices of how we experience the world. A lot is forced upon us – other people’s desires, attention, needs, preferences, images of us. Often we can’t even choose to control our own bodies, memories, or sexual expression.

But we can choose to believe women. As women, we know our own experiences. And we all can choose to dissociate from people who hurt women. Tell them why. Don’t make any excuses, don’t maintain the social fabric, don’t tolerate them in your life.

And yes, it was humiliating and frustrating to be told I probably didn’t understand what had happened to me, that experiences are entirely what we make of them, and that essentially I wasn’t telling the truth but just telling my reaction. That I was making judgements about the world, not being judged by it. Basically I was being blamed for my anger, by someone whom I trusted. It felt much worse to not be heard by someone close to me than to be treated like shit by some scumbag on the street.

And for weeks after that, every time I came home seething about some other asshole who thought he had a right to control my time and attention and emotions, I did not feel safe sharing it. I was so angry not because of what was said to me by a stranger, but because my partner had also silenced me, and effectively told me he didn’t want to know anything about this face of the world.