How To Become A Rockstar Assistant In 6 Easy Steps

This is what they asked for.

Anyone on the Hollywood job hunt has certainly noticed a trend in assistant job descriptions: “We’re looking for a rockstar assistant”. In today’s hyper-competitive marketplace, you’ve got to have the necessary skills to wow your future employer. So, I’ve created a helpful 6 step guide to becoming that rockstar assistant that everybody’s looking for.

1) START A ROCK BAND

Let’s face it, without a rock band, you can’t be a rockstar. Call up a handful of your best buds who either own instruments or know how to play them. Once you’re all assembled in the garage, it’s time to shred that guitar so you can shred some documents!

2) GRAB YOUR GUITAR AND STORM INTO A NEARBY PRODUCTION OFFICE

This is a no brainer. The moment the receptionist sees that guitar coming through the doorway, they’re gonna interrupt whatever meeting’s happening and get every executive they can find out into the lobby to see what they’re seeing: the rockstar assistant they’ve been waiting for has arrived. No interview necessary!

3) SHOW UP HUNGOVER AND THREE HOURS LATE TO YOUR FIRST DAY

Think of the start to your workday like the sound-check before a stadium concert. Only a desperate non-rockstar assistant would show up on time and sober to this borefest. If you aren’t out on the town, knockin’ ’em back with your bandmates ’til four or five in the morning, you’re trying way too hard. The rockstar assistant they’re looking for responds to the question, “Do you have any idea what time it is?” with a simple flip of the bird and a loud belch.

4) DRESS LIKE A ROCKSTAR

If you show up in a button-down and slacks, you might as well walk into your boss’s office and inform them that you’re a liar. A rockstar assistant wears a leather jacket with no undershirt. How else are your coworkers going to peek that sweet snake-wrapping-itself-around-a-dagger tattoo? Pants? Denim or leather, but make sure you’re sporting some substantial rips and tears that let everyone know you had to chase down your tour bus a couple times. Rock on!

5) IGNORE EVERYTHING YOU’RE ASKED TO DO

When asked to make some copies and get someone on the phone, respond by picking up your axe and shredding an impromptu solo at your desk. They’ll know you’re not the kind of assistant who’s gonna be told what to do or one that respects standard noise level expectations for an office environment. PROTIP: What’s a desk if not a very narrow elevated stage? Now push off that phone and get up there, rockstar!

6) FUCK THE MAN

Any rockstar worth their salt knows that unless they’re being run out of a show’s greenroom by an angry booker, they’ve screwed up. Well, the same goes for your new office: You don’t need The Man’s filthy blood money. Those shorthairs can keep their stuffy Hollywood office where apparently cocaine-usage in the bullpen is frowned upon? Truth is, they want your rockin’ energy in the office but they can’t handle it. You’re a ROCK GOD! Forget these mortals. Now go melt some faces at the next office. They’re ALL looking for a rockstar.