Outta the Woods!

HAR HAR HARRRR (AP)

Looks like there are some conflicting stories going out on the wires regarding the great one, Tiger Woods. It’s claimed he can barely move and chances of him showing up to a golf course anytime soon are pretty bleak. Basically that he’s dead.

Robert Lusetich, a golf journalist, tweeted that Tiger’s injury has gotten worse. So bad, that he was “told” Woods can’t move well at all and couldn’t even sit in a car like a normal person. He literally had to lay there with the seat fully reclined like a helpless 90 year old from Florida.

Ok. Fine.

So then this video of Tiger crushing a 9 iron on a simulated course pops up. Posted by none other than Eldrick himself. He’s alive! I think.

“It’s just a golf simulator,” losers will cry. Whatever, it landed beautifully on the green. Did you see it? My man is playing darts out there, in that private building, with no elements, using a simulator.

First, win a major in Tiger Woods PGA Tour from 2013 (because there’s only one golf video game that matters). Second, win real major. Third, repeat.

It could be possible that there’s another explanation. Can’t take everything at face value these days.

So what if

A. THIS WAS YEARS AGO? Where’s the date? Prove it. This is iPhone 4 video quality.

B. Woods has a twin brother or-someone-that-looks-exactly-like-him.

C. He swallowed enough painkillers to numb André the Giant. Collapsed immediately after this video.

D. Tiger paid golf boy Bob to send the tweet that he couldn’t move, so Tiger could release this swing video and since our expectations are so rock bottom low that it would make him look like he’s back to “#1 in the world” form. Under promise, over deliver. Geniussss.

Either way, we’ll have to wait to find out what the deal with Woods is. All I know is that the video could have been of Tiger taking a shit and I’d still be like, “Tiger’s winning the Masters in April.”

We all want it. As great as the new guns are doing, who the fuck in their right mind wouldn’t want to see Tiger in Nike black and red on Sunday headed down the 18th fairway to another major win? You’re insane if you don’t agree. You’re also a liar.

#Woods2016!

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